Retractions and Corrections
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
As always, here at the Mongolians weblog we like to keep things as correct and honest as possible. So when we (I) make a mistake we will correct it as soon as possible.
In the last episode I asked Vicks to send me the 2 DayQuils that were shorted by the robots of the medicine factory. Apparently they had anticipated my plea and inserted the DayQuil capsules in my NyQuil Packet. My apologies. I've had a cold for almost 3 weeks and the thinking parts of my head are broken!
The extra re-tooling and manufacturing costs are passed on to you!
Last night NyQuil gave me a dream that I was in the first ever pay elevator. We were on the way up when the elevator started demanding money. We tried to jam dimes into the thing but it kept spitting them out. After many unsuccessful tries the elevator started beeping at us and unexpectedly zoomed down to the bottom floor and spit us out.
"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of!" I declared, making a show to the people sitting in the lobby. There were many old people grinning knowingly at the sound of my plight. I knew they spent all day in the hotel lobby waiting for people without pocket change to be rejected by modern technology. This is the only enjoyment old people get before Dr. Phil comes on at ... whenever Dr. Phil comes on.
I went to complain at the front desk. This is the point where the story takes a turn for the get on with it because the details of your dream are boring! (Plus I don't remember what happened.)
Anyway, last week's post should have read like this:
ear Vicks,Please send the 2 NyQuil pills that you shorted me and a note explaining why I can't just have all of them without these little gimmicks. This American is not going to be confused into complacency by your prime number hanky panky. How am I ever going to pen drug-induced Edgar Allan Poe stories if you keep shorting my stash.
posted by Ghengis @ 7:13 PM,
,
Dear Bus Driver
Friday, May 27, 2005
ear Vicks,Please send me the 2 DayQuil pills that you shorted me and a note explaining why you waste that one pill slot. Is it for the robot machines that handle my drugs?
Dear Aborigines,
Circular breathing is impossible. What other lies will you have my believe?
Dear roommates,
The trash and the area around the trash are not the same thing. You're getting closer but still not quite getting it. Are we going to have to have another apartment meeting?
Dear Powerball drawing person,
These are the numbers to pick tomorrow night. I will split the $200 million with you.
Dear centipede,
What is so good about the kitchen floor? Oh yeah, that's where my roommates put their food.
Dear girl who lives downstairs,
Where have you gone? The apartment managers keep putting notices on your door. I hope they would know if you're living there or not. I hope you aren't dead because you were cute. Knock on your ceiling twice if you are not dead and make spooky moans 5 times if you have become a ghost.
Dear Sporting News,
The name you are sending this magazine to is not a real person's name. When I move out, your crappy weekly magazine will not be following me. You should demand your money back from FHM for selling you a fake name. I'll never sign up for a free magazine on the internet again.
Dear 40-year-old man who is frustrated with his job and life,
You have my full permission to beat the shit out of my kids if they ever talk to you like this because I have obviously failed at being a parent. I will thank you personally when I bring my child to the jail to apologize to you, you crazy crazy old man.
Dear Jack Daniels,
posted by Ghengis @ 8:27 PM,
,
Thermodynamics
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
I knew they were going to start pulling themselves out of the population but I didn't really expect it to be like this. When I heard this story today I thought it was going to be about a couple of 15-year-old guys with an obsession for fire. I actually thought it was these guys (warning contains genuinely painful screaming), but it turns out people who are 20 or 17 can be stupid enough to fill an enclosed container with fuel and light it. Have I been out of college so long to forget that stupid comes with the territory?
The best thing is that this story ended up reminding me of the time someone returned a fluorescent bulb at 8 AM on an unusually slow Sunday during my first job at a hardware store. Idle time mixed with the fact that the boss was in the back room led to us playing baseball with the light and a wadded up paper bag. I wish I could say that we ended up shattering the bulb just and the pieces flew into the popcorn machine and then a customer came in and demanded a bag of popcorn and we were stupid highschool kids and wouldn't tell him that the popcorn was old and we ended up giving selling it to him and he cut his mouth up and sued the store and the owner had to shut it down because it was losing money anyway. Nope, those bulbs are too strong.
I've been pretty lucky with having jobs that I can balance out the screwing around with the actual work. I guess it makes this picture a lie, even if a post-it note is a bad subject for a macro picture.
Thousands of uses.
Did you know they add red tint to fluorescent bulbs so people can't see your the craters in your porous pale face?
posted by Ghengis @ 10:25 PM,
,
Nerd Wars
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Nobody was even dressed up. I expected a much more nerdy turn out. I figured the nerd turnout would be pretty evenly distributed throughout the first 24 hours. There was one young statesman standing guard at the door to his theatre dressed as Vader. We had the 7:00PM theatre next to his. We were a half hour early. The marquee above his theatre said 8:00PM. That must have been the theatre to wear a costume to. Come early for the costume contest!
There were a lot of people in the news talking about how they think the Emperor's plot to take over the galaxy is similar to Bush's Iraq war. If only someone had released the movie of the last 3 episodes of Bush's term first, and then we would all have the pre-knowledge to know for sure. I can see the similarities and it's scary. I almost want to change my political stance on everything because of something I saw on a movie.
However, in the movie, the Emperor wants to save the life of Padme because (I'm not giving anything away) she might die in childbirth. He doesn't spell it out but he's obviously going to suggest she get an abortion. Bush would not condone an abortion - even if the woman may die - so obviously this Empire/Bush similarity view is completely skewed. Are Jedi trained in the art of abortion?
"Are there any helpless drunk girls here in need of a sober driver?"
When the movie was over everyone was glowing as if they had finally fucked their dream celebrity. But the glow was short-lived when movie-goers left the safety of the glowing cineplex lights. I saw one man crying on the ground next to his Boba Fett themed car. He was clawing at his head screaming out about how he did not know where his hair had gone. He was bald and it looked has if he had been that way for some time. He was jerking himself about on the asphalt. I think he caught a glimpse of himself in the side mirror. "My God! I'm Old! I must be 50! Where have the years gone?!"
As I'm sure it's been said by others, nerds everywhere now have nothing left to live for. Nothing to aspire to. No final episode to the Lord of the Rings, The Matrix, Indiana Jones, Back to the Future, Terminator, or Con Air. Nerds everywhere are drinking from the Hale-Bopp punch bowl and passing on in their parents' basements under the glow of an unfinished game of Doom III (but only because they had the flashlight turned on). The entertainment has ended and all that is left is to call Scotty for that final beam up.
This is a backdoor-rapture that the fundamentalist Christians did not count on. No one with an 'In case of Rapture..." bumper sticker is going to be saved. Rather, God only smiles upon those with Boba Fett head antenna ornaments. It turns out that Jedi is the only true religion and any of us who laughed or mocked those who followed the Force will now be left behind.
The end is nigh.
posted by Ghengis @ 10:18 PM,
,
Feeble Attempt at being a Pretentious Artist
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
I'd like announce the opening of my new weblog that I have started. It's just like a "blog" except with 100% less internet buzz words. Ever since I got a new camera for Christmas I have been using the digital macro feature a lot and it's only fair to share my self manufactured wallpapers. My mom always said to share but she also said not to throw scissors at my brother so it's hard to say which lessons I've chosen to follow. I stole the idea for the name from slower.net.
There was another art project I was working on but it got cut short by criminal negligence. I was going to post shameless pictures of myself before and after the 16 weeks of constant exercise. I haven't been to the gym since the great smash and I'm probably worse off than the original pictures. Sorry but there will be no topless man pictures on my site for some time. It's too bad because I was looking forward to making some sort of "... but I'm also a client" joke.
posted by Ghengis @ 10:59 PM,
,
Money Disintegrator
Friday, May 06, 2005
You know, I'm not really a neat freak. It is only by comparison to the people I'm living with that may make it seem that way. I could try to exonerate my name and make it seem that I am somewhat normal. Instead I will go the other way. I'm not just going to try to prove that I'm a clean freak. I want to prove that I'm completely crazy when it comes to keeping things clean. Not just picking things up and doing the dishes. I'm talkin' psychotic-John-Travolta-promoting-Scientology and-naming-my-kid-"Jett" insane about cleaning.
I bought an Ionic Breeze!
Don't go thinking I had the money to spend $400 on one of these. I had a number of cashback bonus gift certificates and I split the 'buy one / get one half price' deal with someone else, so it didn't cost that much. Still, it did cost enough that you would probably want to let your wife or husband know about before making a purchase. In fact you might want to let someone know that you have entertained thoughts of purchasing one of these before you get married to them. This device does not double as a divorce attorney and there's a good chance you might need one if you buy one on a whim.
Like always, I did a lot of research before making the potentially life altering decision to buy one of these. The Internet is full of facts so it was the perfect place to gather information. I learned from hundreds of consumer and professional comments on the Internet that the Ionic Breeze does not work in any way shape or form, but people absolutely love it! How could anyone resist owning a stationary paradox that sets in their living room or bedroom doing nothing?
Anyone that enters your room will ask, "Oh, you have an Ionic Breeze in your room. Do those things actually work?" This device is great for people who have trouble starting a conversation or keeping one going. You can answer this question with confidence, "I... I'm not sure. Want to go to bed?"
The way it works is it sends out negative ions to capture those nefarious positive ions. Much like a honey bee, the negative ions do a dance inside of the Ionic Breeze to show the other negative ions where the positive ions are. Positive ions are all around you, whispering negative thoughts into your ear making you feel sad or telling your brain to cough. It is positive to be negative in the ion world. The air purifier tricks the positive ions into thinking that there are more people's days to ruin inside of the purifying unit. Here, the positive ions are captured and put on death row.
On this account it is supposed to get rid of depression. I'm not depressed so I can't really say if it does or not. I can say that I get really excited when I walk into my room and I look into those soft, glowing blue and green lights and slim blade design. So excited that a decent man just has to look away.
I think the only reason they say it gets rid of depression is because you have to clean it every week and that gives depressed people something to do or look forward to. Nothing cures depression better than a chore! Plus, if you have something depending on you it gives you a reason to live. If you cut your wrists and die, who is going to clean the air purifier? No one; unless you specify someone to in your suicide note but while you're thinking about who would be the best person to clean it, you'll probably reconsider suicide and possibly your life altogether.
One of the concerns about this thing is that it produces Ozone. Ozone is 3 molecules of oxygen instead of the 2 you're used to stuffing in your selfish mouth and nose all day and night. Air purifier owners secretly breathe 50% faster than the rest of people. Of course that's not considering diffusion of the already present oxygen, nitrogen, and other molecules in the air, but who really believes statistics anymore anyway. You also have to buy a Sharper Image Ozone Breather Unit in order to get this faster breathing feature. They cost $10,000.
Also, if you leave the window open when your Ionic Breeze is on, the ozone generated from your unit goes straight up to the stratosphere where it is used by the clouds to mend the ever growing ozone hole. Don't worry about telling the clouds what to do. They already know. Your contribution to ending the Greenhouse Effect will earn you the right to purchase the grossly overpriced Environmental Hero Certificate from the Sharper Image for the same cost of a new unit. But the real reward is the satisfaction of knowing you made a difference.
The truth is that this thing is doing something. The first morning after sleeping with the purifier running I woke up startled as to how clear my nose was. There was no sinus obstructions whatsoever. I have had allergies all my life and there's usually some sort of congestion associated with waking up. I was wary of this merely being a psychosomatic response so I tried sleeping again. The next day I woke my nose was slightly congested, per usual. Things were back to normal and it was back to the drawing board for the Ionic Breeze results. Hint: I find nighttime to be the best time for sleep.
The only concern I have is that the Sharper Image may be trying to make a race of people who are totally dependent on their products. If you are too tempered to breathing clean air all of the time in your apartment because you are a temporary cripple who still isn't allowed to drive because he's still on pain medication, it eventually will make your immune system take a well deserved vacation. When your immune system comes back from vacation, however, it doesn't want to do any work thus making it impossible to go outdoors or anywhere away for your precious clean air generator. If only there were an overpriced and useless portable device to combat this effect? Of course, that wouldn't be insane would it?
Here are the results for one and a half weeks of operation:
Positive Ion Prison.
The warden roughs them up a little to show them who's boss.
Not in my lungs, sister!
Gassed up and ready to catch more of those evil positive ions.
Bottom Line: One and a half Shrugs out of four.
posted by Ghengis @ 1:30 AM,
,
Contest Results
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
$117.15
My guess was $60. We were all way off.
Everyone except the winner. The winner is Vanessa from Canada. It turns out there was another Canadian dime and penny in the mix. I'll tape them to the postcard so you can find something to do with them. The bank people were mad I tried to get cash for them. There was also a bent penny in there so the total was really $117.16. Either way you still win.
The girl at the counter at my bank said there was a 1% charge to have the machine count it for me. When she came to the counter to tell me the total she said, "Ok, so after a 17 cent charge... oh wait I mean 11 cents, sorry." That was what she charged me. My money is in good hands.
Thanks to all 4 of you who humored me with a guess.
posted by Ghengis @ 11:15 PM,
,
