Freak Show
Thursday, September 23, 2004
The other day, I had to go to my least favorite town in the Tri-State area. I could not guess why someone would want to celebrate the founding of this town, but someone has decided to hold a yearly festival. They must feel the need to celebrate their numerous one-way streets that lead to dead ends and entire neighborhoods that are controlled by free range rabies dogs. I bet the dogs told the city council that it is still summer.
As luck would have it, the one place I had to be in this town was at the center of carnie-ville. They were just setting up tents, duct taping dangerous rides together, and making it hard to win at the game where you throw rocks at a concrete wall in order to win a plastic spider ring. I figured I could infiltrate the porous perimeter set up by sporadically placed fences, complete my tests, and escape without incident.
I searched the ground for the necessary test points until I found what I was looking for. It was partially made inaccessible by a carnie trailer but still manageable. I could hear the carnival song pumping out of a boombox inside. I imagined a bunch of carnies inside bobbing their head to the beat of fast piano playing and trumpet sounds. It's probably the only way to get through running rides all day.
Nearby was a group of carnies idly chatting about rigging the ring toss or something. They must have been the celebrity carnies since they did not have to get up early to set up tents. With a second sweeping glance I could tell that they were pretty important. The Human Fly, some midgets, the Bearded Lady, the Hat-less Baseball Player, and Truthtelling Politician were all there. I even got to see the Child with a Tail being rushed into the trailer by Lobster-Eyed Mom.
When I knelt down to perform tests a great hush went over the crowd. I could feel their eyes burning a hole in my back as I went about my work ignoring them as best they could. I knew they either thought I had something to do with the festival or that I was planting bombs under their trailers right before their eyes. I heard the baseball player whisper to the side, "Man, what's that feller doin'?" I hate to leave people without quelling their worries so, when I was done, I walked over to tell them the truth.
"Hi, I'm the new side show attraction - The Guy that walks around carrying bomblike things that aren't bombs." I said opening my arms to present myself.
"That ain't no talent," said the politician.
"It needs a little work," said the fly man.
"Get out of here you freak!" cried the baseball player.
"Wait," said the bearded lady pushing her way through the group to get to me, "let me see if he knows the password."
She told me to whisper the carnie password into her ear so that no one would hear. I didn't know what to say so I leaned forward to try to whisper something but when I did some of her beard parts tickled my mouth. It was a long beard and I don't usually put my mouth near beards so when it tickled me I let out a great gasping laugh.
The lady reared back holding her ear like she had just been made deaf. I tried to apologize but the damage was done. The bearded lady motioned to the midgets. The midgets opened a cage and the Dog-Face Boy bounded out. He chased me for blocks before I tricked him with a dog treat skillfully thrown in a sewer grate.
I needed the exercise though. Yesterday, I was sitting in my truck and the spring harness gave way dropping me down 2 inches.
posted by Ghengis @ 9:46 PM,
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Tear and Rebuild
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
After the weekend I need to exercise a lot. I never knew you could get a hangover from food, but if Burger King is involved, any malady is possible. The Double Wopper is the equivalent of 3 pitchers of dark beer and each fry is a shot of tequila. The meal is designed to leave the uninitiated hanging their head over porcelain but somehow I survived.
...Plus, tons of tailgate food.
I was on one of those running machines at the gym today. I had positioned myself next to one of the more attractive females there, readying in my head the conversation that was never going to happen. She caught me looking when she had finished her exercise and was seductively wiping down the machine. I put my hands on the metal sensors and the display showed my heart rate had increased by 10.
Later she went to one of the climbing machines that was clearly in my view, obviously trying to be a tease. When she was done with that she caught me again! She grabbed the spray bottle to hose down her second machine while I was still running away on my first. She passed in front of me and accidentally kicked the power cord to my machine. The display went blank and my calories and distance were erased, virtually nullifying my exercise. I could feel the worked off Burger King weight piling back on and my heart rate dropped to a cold, sludgy zero.
Was this an honest accident or a creative new form of rejection? Perhaps it was a sign that she was leaving and wanted me to leave with her. How about a hint that doesn't involve turning off the electricity next time? Regardless, I knew that she was no good since she couldn't commit to one machine and only spent fleeting time with each. Maybe we would have had a nice fling on the elliptical machine, but one day I would come home and I find her cheating on me with the ab machine and a bar bell. It would never last.
posted by Ghengis @ 8:54 PM,
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Something's Rotten in the State Funded College
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
This weekend I went back to college. I guess I'm practicing become one of those creepy old guys who gets drunk at college bars, going from table to table breathing heavy and throwing up on the floor while pretending to be each student's best friend by way of hugs and unwanted touching. So far, I've only worked up the courage to go back into the bars.
After consuming the appropriate amount of liquor and cramming into and standing shoulder to shoulder with people on the "dance" floor, some of my party decided to go finish our night at a late night burrito restaurant. My brain abandoned control over my motor skills and thankfully performed the thinking for my stomach, telling me to get a sub instead. I bought one at another store and met the group where I was forced to pull up a chair to the overcrowded booth.
One friend had just had a birthday so naturally some of his alcohol was free and free means more. This resulted in some of the ice from his cup flying into other members of the table. Some of the ice ended up missing our friends and ended up on the plate of a triple-chinned Mexican sloth monster. He and his white-trash compatriot bolted to their feet cursing and waving their arms.
"Man, me and my bud are just here trying to get some food, mother fucker!" He opened. "We just trying to eat here and you throwin shit at us!"
He continued to spout the same words over and over amidst our apologies. He immediately let us know that they liked 2 against 7 odds as if this was a nightly occurrence where they wait for someone to offend them so they can instigate violence. The situation was under control and cooler heads were prevailing until birthday-friend told the Mexican that they probably couldn't make a burrito as big as his head because it was so big. He also made the implication that he was a worker there. Diplomacy broke down and Gigantor continued to repeat filthy words from his mouth over and over.
Eventually, the white-trash guy decided to stand away nearer to where I was sitting. I quelled the joint rage he shared with his friend by letting him know that it was my friend's birthday and he was a little trashed. He started laughing. I think the word birthday cued some deep memories of cake and caused him to step aside from the commotion.
Finally birthday friend agreed to replace their food with something new. White-trash guy jumped on the idea of free food and followed birthday-friend to the counter while his friend continued the broken record act with his mouth. We just trying to get some food here, mother fucker! When birthday-friend had stood up to order the new food, everyone else had to stand up too. Somehow we had formed a half-ring around the Mexican who was moronically still bent on using his fists that night.
I had stayed out of it until then. I was pretty sure the human chin's brain had left his body, leaving an empty human shell with a speaker box shoved in his mouth. Hoping to end it, I stood and declared, "IT'S OVER!" with a commanding presence and loud enough for the restaurant to hear. Being the strongest and scariest looking one there, this was my attempt at ending the stand-off.
His well thought out response to me was, "It ain't over til I say it's over." At this point he had looked out the window and saw a mob of spectators, clutching the money they had gambled on their favorite to win in the event that fists fly. This is when he picked up a table edge and threw it at another friend.
I've never been in a fight before... and I still haven't. But, I was ready to use any means necessary to subdue this giant if things had got out of hand. I knew our side instigated things but someone who can't let something go at the offering of free food, should not be allowed to win an argument. They were waiting for a fight.
Birthday friend canceled the order when the manager came over. I went outside to let the onlookers and gamblers know that there would be no fight. Everyone not involved was pretty disappointed - including everyone who read this hoping to see the word blood.
posted by Ghengis @ 9:40 PM,
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