This Old Prospector
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
The old prospector's friends wanted to take him out to see the big city. It had been a long time since he had seen so many lights. The prospector insisted on taking his pickaxe and he never went outdoors without his trusty hat. The old prospector combed the bugs out of his beard and brushed his teeth for the second time in a week. Such an occasion that called for a second brushing was sure to be something special.Later that night the prospector had consumed a lot of moonshine while playing cards at a big city party. The moonshine made the old prospector do some stupid things but also some funny things.
The prospector and his friends decided to go to a big city bar. The bar was teaming with many scantily clad college girls and obnoxiously dressed men and the prospector was happy.
The prospector had a trick up his sleeve. In many years of study he had learned the ancient secrets of alchemy. However his ability were not yet perfected. The old prospector could not turn lead into gold. Rather he turned gold into chocolate.At the bar the prospector shared his wealth with the scantily clad college girls and any of the obnoxious guys who figured out what he was.
Later on that Halloween night there were curses heard. The curses were loud enough that it rang in the ears the entire city of Chicago. These curses did not come from a ghoul or a foul mouthed vampire. Rather those curses came from the person who had to scrape and mop and scrape and mop all of the chocolate coins that had fallen to the to the dance floor when the scantily clad college girls saw the face of the old prospector and his patchy beard that came unglued as the night wore on.
posted by Ghengis @ 7:35 PM,
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Nothing good can come out when nothing good goes in
Thursday, October 26, 2006
I have finally figured out a costume to wander around Chicago in, but at a great cost. "The Halloween Store" -aka the store that has moved into the abandoned fireworks store and is open for about a half a month- this store seems to bring out the worst in people. No, actually I think it just brings out the worst people.
Nothing good can come out of little kids running around The Halloween Store watching the mom who appraises her 12 daughter on the official slut outfit and high school guys teaching them new words. "DUDE! LOOK! I'm gonna be a fucking sperm! HAHAHA! Oh fuck! NO FUCKING WAY! A fucking pimp costume!"
I don't even know why most of them needed to go to The Halloween Store in the first place. Their hillbilly outfits look just fine.
Afterwards we all went to Wal-Mart. At least I think all of the same people were there. Just when I thought I had gotten away from the worst people in the world I saw this scene: A 4-year-old smiling and happy as can be singing along to the ABC song which was playing from a toy in a nearby aisle. Mommy, pushing the cart, slapped him across the face and said, "SHHH! No one wants to hear you sing!"
Nobody's paying for her nursing home.
posted by Ghengis @ 11:20 PM,
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Inflated and Creepy
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I have never been afraid of clowns, but they have always creeped me out. A normal person would never put on a puffy white shirt or face paint in order to entertain children. God forbid one of them touches you and they get some of their clown germs on your body. I vaguely remember one of them trying to hug me when I was little which set me to screaming and running to be cleaned.
Needless to say this is one of the creepiest things I have ever seen.
Come on in... but... don't... touch... anything!
It reminded me of the decorations that my neighbors put up to celebrate Halloween. They think that going to Meijer and buying a 9 foot tall purple shirted blow up Frankenstein that ties down to their lawn is the spirit for the season. I even saw what looked like a 6 foot inflatable cat fucking a pumpkin. Do you think of a cat fucking a pumpkin when you want to celebrate Halloween? Nothing says Halloween better than a scene of a cat fucking a pumpkin with Frankenstein swaying back and forth watching while the Mummy video tapes it as the 7 foot inflatable Dracula flops lifelessly in the yard with a popped foot. What do the kids think?
Since I cannot beat my neighbors I might as well join them with the most disturbing decoration ever to be placed in the name of Halloween.
Help yourself to some candy.
posted by Ghengis @ 12:00 AM,
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Carving
Friday, October 20, 2006
I am really getting into the Halloween mood. I bought a pumpkin but I am not going to carve it because I do not have anyone to carve it with. Carving pumpkins is always a group activity. Solo pumpkin carving is something they used to in insane asylums... but eventually they had to take away the knives because "something" happened.
Luckily the internet makes solo pumpkin carving slightly less creepy.
Happy Halloween!
posted by Ghengis @ 4:37 PM,
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The Buck Passed Here
Thursday, October 19, 2006
I have always been told to never give money to homeless people. "They are going to use it to buy booze and slim jims and not get out of their situation if you keep enabling them." Obviously I have a better understanding of how to use money since it will be better spent on a $40 round of drinks for myself and some friends at a shady establishment down the street who's owner probably runs a side business researching how to make the sidewalks even colder at night to keep homeless off of his curb.The panhandlers were in full force this weekend too. Just from looking at me they probably can't tell that I have an entire well thought out rationale as to why I don't directly hand over any money to anyone on the street who walks up and begs for it or calls me 'big guy'. Perhaps I should draw up a pamphlet detailing every reason with bullet points and captioned pictures. It is the most fun new way to piss off real people since Fundamentalist Christians began leaving pamphlets as tips at restaurants.
On the "El" in Chicago we shared a car with a group of people our age that were all wearing the same outfits. They were on a reality TV show similar to the Amazing Race but with only 2 days long and featured one city to run around in. The girl we talked was very social and gracious and hinted at the fact that they had not had anything to eat all day. Since all teams had an equal start they were all given an equal amount of money and food to ration as needed. She said that the worst part of the competition was having to ask for money.
I had not given a lot of thought to what to when solicited by cute Canadian girl reality TV panhandlers. The 2 dollars, that had not found a home in my wallet yet, practically jumped out of my pocket and into the hands of the contestant.
I will not give money to someone who really needs it but 10 minutes later I will give it to someone who is well off enough to drop everything in their life to compete on a game show? That did not seem fair. I guess I wanted to be a part of the competition. I wanted to play the game too. Part of me thought that giving her $2 would make the lights in the train flash like I'm on the Cash Cab and a game show host voice would come over the intercom and tell me that I had won the right to be on the show! A bunch of game show ninjas would come out of hiding and dress me up in the game show clothes and make me belong. Belonging is the American Dream after all.
This new form of begging for money might be what the real poor people need to consider. The old techniques are old and worn out: "Hey buddy you got any change? Man I haven't eaten for days and I just need some help... even some quarters, please, you got anything?" or shoving a single lily in my sister's hand when she was 8-years-old and chasing us all over Atlanta trying to give us directions to the Brave's game - is not the way to do it anymore.
Reality TV panhandling is an untapped resource. You do not even need the TV part of the equation. The panhandler simply needs to tell the person that there is a camera in the building nearby or they have them in their shoes. Whoa, you're on the Shoe Cam! As long as someone thinks that their charity will score a spot on a TV show, the generosity will flow more freely.Leftover t-shirts from reality TV shows and Survivor buffs need to be donated to shelters and soup kitchens to add to the reality of this prank. Soon Survivor will have to run out of tropical islands to host their show. Survivor - Compton is only a few years away. The public will be expecting it. The money is ripe and ready.
The next time you are hit up for money on the street, hand the panhandler a piece of paper with the name of this blog on it. You should probably keep some of those in your purse anyway.
posted by Ghengis @ 10:04 PM,
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Thinking Halloween
Monday, October 16, 2006
I saw a 40-something-year-old man at the gas station the other day who was dressed like this:
Did you know that the tools you use to work on your car can also be used to beat your girlfriend?
When we passed each other in the microwave chili aisle I made a noise out of my nose that sounded like I was amused. He heard the noise and asked what was so funny. I told him it was a good Halloween costume. He said that it wasn't a Halloween costume and mentioned his favorite swear words. I saw his girlfriend in the car outside. She was playing the second Eminem CD for her 6-year-old.
I still haven't figured out what costume I'm going to wear this year. I also haven't decided if I am going to hold on to the Halloween monopoly and have the 6th annual costume party this year or hand it off to someone else.
posted by Ghengis @ 7:36 PM,
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Last Tux of the Year
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
There's a wedding this weekend and I have not even bought a gift for the couple who had their wedding in August. I may be slow but I do not forget and I was able to buy a card for both at the same time.
I looked all over at Meijer for a belated wedding card, but I guess that it is so taboo to be late in giving your gift that such a card is unheard of. I guess they'll just have to settle for this one.
posted by Ghengis @ 4:32 PM,
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