The Best Chili South of the Mason Dixon Jar
Friday, July 29, 2005
Hiring someone who enjoys looking at maps to do a job that involves using maps is like hiring a recovering alcoholic to deliver beer. Maybe each possesses an expertise in their respective fields, but no one should be allowed to enjoy their job too much.
At work I have plenty of legitimate reasons to use satellite map websites help with job functions. However, I usually end up wandering the globe a bit. The mountain ranges over China are not a part of my designated work area.
Sometimes when I'm in my office and I don't think my boss is around, I get on the internet and get lost in a world of satellite pictures. Unexpectedly, boss knocks on my door. "JUST A SECOND!" I cry as I try to close the window quickly but the computer has froze from all of the massive amounts of satellite data and the browser picture remains visible even after being closed. Boss walks in assuming he has been given enough time. In haste, I slap the power button on my monitor.
"You're just sitting here staring at a blank monitor?" Boss asks.
"I... I was looking at maps."
"Suuuure you were."
I was excited to find out that Microsoft had implemented something similar to Google's satellite maps and had been tooling around on there. But it seems like Google is still the one that has it figured out. Google's maps have more pictures and extends further out of the US borders with more detail. Plus I think Microsoft is adding green tint to all designated park areas. Either that or the cities have been painting all pavilion roofs green.
Bill Gates does not want you to leave the US to visit Casino Windsor.
Google wants you to gamble wherever you want as long as you're gambling somewhere.
One thing (this is where this post gets more exciting) I can't figure out is with all my daily dealings with maps and directions - I cannot, for the life of me, automatically identify East and West. North/South are second nature. For some reason I have to mentally orient myself to the North before I can begin to identify the E/W directions. Everyday, it makes me feel like a child that is trying to learn that someone's right arm is on your left side when you are facing them.
You could tie me up, throw me in the trunk of your car, drive 100 miles down the most sinuous of roads, drive into a cave, blow up the cave's only exit with C4 explosives, light a fire and let it suck up most of the ambient cave oxygen, then pull me out of the trunk and set me down on a nice cave rock and ask me to immediately identify North - I'd nail it every time. If you asked about East I'd have to respectfully tell you to go screw yourself. I just hope getting the right answer will make you release me so I can sue for kidnapping.
Aside from the obvious, the only reason I can come up with is that I grew up on a N/S running street. I can only speak for myself, however. Do people who grew up on an E/W running road have a greater mastery of the horizontal directions? I don't think scientists have wasted millions of dollars studying this yet. Also, do children of army parents who moved all the time have no sense of direction? Does growing up on a curvey road make you walk crooked?
If not I suppose it's that up and down are more apparently opposite than left and right. If no one knows what I'm talking about we could also assume that only half of my brain has developed.
Any input on this will go towards your satisfaction of knowing you contributed to this yet-to-be million dollar study.
posted by Ghengis @ 12:02 AM,
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Political Idol
Monday, July 18, 2005
Well the news has found a new topic to use to annoy rational thinking people. At all of the 24-hour news stations, all personnel are allotted a special half-hour to run around in circles and to brainstorm new speculations about what Karl Rove did or didn't do. This half-hour time block is temporarily replacing what is normally reserved for newsroom rooftop recess. Can the journalists people make a competent story without a two or three games of tetherball?
You have the worst show on television.
For those of you who are lucky enough to live far away from this nonsense to know what this is about, Karl Rove is the evil fat-man mastermind that made the president the president by way of arcane magics and with help from the current and former Grand Dragons of the KKK. It was just recently found out that he may or may not have intentionally told a reporter the name of an undercover CIA agent.
Upon hearing this news, liberals ran out into the streets with protestor signs calling for a tastefully done lynching at high noon... until their free bottled water supply ran out. Conservatives, on the other hand, defended Rove on the ground that there is no way he could have said these things because he was busy handing out puppies to poor children in the hospital on that day after staying up all night working on a spell to make the stock market boom. Big surprise.
Meanwhile all rational thinking people were sitting at home pounding on their TV's and cleaning their guns while screaming, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" If he truly did something illegal or unethical, get rid of him; if he didn't then move on(.org) with your sad, politically driven life. The mindless speculations are endless from either side and it is impossible to get the truth out of anyone. Plus, the frenzy wouldn't be at this scale if the leak was the nerdy technician who makes weapons for Bush's utility belt in the basement of the White House.
Personally, I think the president should fire his chief political advisor and friend. Do I have any inside knowledge that the press and Grand Jury don't have? No! I think it's safe to say that no one with an online diary has that knowledge. My interest comes mainly from the desire to see the resulting media frenzy when it comes to picking the next Political Advisor.
But why leave it to the news to cover something they have already screwed up. Let capitalism take it's course and give exclusive coverage rights to the highest bidder. I'm fairly sure that this could be Fox's best reality series yet. Bush, Cheney, and Rice will interview thousands of Americans to be the next Political Advisor. Contestants may sing, dance, prevent gay marriage, and make up lies and half-truths in order to woo the judges. In the later rounds you will have to opportunity to call in with your touch tone phone or send a text message to vote for your favorite.
Look here dawg. Twenty years of snake handling religion.
I am gunning for Tom Cruise's sister to land the position. She has done wonderful things for Tom's career and I think it could be the spice that the current administration needs. After all, the last few speeches the president has given, he has said absolutely nothing - most likely a product of Rove's cold, calculated speech writing.
With Cruise's sister at the helm, the president will find himself running the talk show circuit whenever he needs to promote his latest war. You will come to expect a more animated and candid president that everyone will learn to love. However, don't be surprised to see him avoiding questions about war when he is jumping on the couch, screaming about how in love he is with his wife, Laura. That's our kooky president.
We are finally moving in the right direction.
posted by Ghengis @ 10:14 PM,
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Looks like we're gonna need a Forklift
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Over the years everyone has received an AOL starter CD in the mailbox. I've always either ignored them or used them as frisbees. Other people have found different uses. Some people get physically angry when they see an offering for a product they don't want. That's probably misguided rage that would be better directed at your girlfriend or dog because if mail makes you mad you've got other problems. Regardless of your opinion, I think we can all agree that the packaging for these things have gotten ridiculous.
Actual meeting in an AOL boardroom:
CEO: Listen guys, our new sign-ups are in the toilet. We need ideas and we need them now as to how to trick people into joining our service.
Lackey #1: Lets mail out CDs glued to a little piece of cardboard and we'll use that kind of glue on it that kids can peel off and play with while they search through their mom's purse for her credit card. We can mail millions of these.
Lackey #2: I have a better idea. Lets mail the CDs out in a little metal tin. It will make people think of getting a tin of cookies like those hard buttered Danish cookies that taste like crap except for the kind with the strawberry jelly in the middle.
Lackey #1: Oh good idea. Maybe we should put jelly in our CDs!
Lackey #3: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! What we need is to put our CD in a DVD box! If people think they're getting a DVD in the mail for free, they will feel obligated to anyone who sent them the DVD! Plus, people are stupid crazy for big things!
CEO: {Jumps out the window}
The bigger they are, the harder it is to get mad.
It wasn't until after I threw this CD in the trash that I noticed that I had a bunch of oversized coupons also sitting on my desk. Everyone is going big!
I don't even know where Bed Bath & Beyond is, but they really must think I stink.
I have these giant coupons floating around everywhere. It's nice that I can leave the Lowe's coupons on the passenger seat in my car just in case I need to buy house supplies when I'm out doing other things. The great thing is that it's large enough that I can use it to cover the windshield when I leave the car so it doesn't get the dashboard all hot.
Without that duality it may be difficult to decide when such a coupon is needed. After all, one cannot always carry around a 10"x5" post card in their wallet or pocket for impromptu shopping... or can they?
Gratuitous butt shot.
If this stairstepping trend of being the largest advertiser continues, soon we are going to have to hire people to carry our discount cards to the store with us... thus negating the coupon's value altogether. The Postal Service will have to begin watching the Strongest Man competition on ESPN 2 to find new mail carriers.
Mail Carrying is the spectator sport of the future.
posted by Ghengis @ 12:50 AM,
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Sub Club Initiation
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
There are very few Subways that still offer the buffalo chicken sub. Today's goal was to stop at one of those locations and take advantage of such a rare opportunity. My sandwich was toasted and ready to be paid for when I noticed that a situation was rising between the manager and the only other customer in the store. I tuned in when I saw the manager waving two Sub Club cards in either hand.
"What you mean I gotta buy two drinks!?" The customer said, getting upset.
"I'm sorry sir but you have to buy a drink with each card you use." said the manager.
"Well they let me do it before at other places. I only have to buy one drink!"
"Sir I'm not trying to argue with you," said the manager getting frazzled, "but that's the way it works. I've been with Subway for eight years and -"
"Well I tell you what!" He said picking up his motorcycle helmet, "You can keep yer fuckin' salad and sandwich." With that he moved to walk out. Before reaching the door he stopped, "Oh and I'll take my coupons back." He turned back to retrieve his nearly expired cards.
This is when I boldly stepped forward like a medieval knight swearing to rescue the princess. I had an unheard of proposition. "I will buy your second drink."
What was this? Customers talking to one another, making a side deal within the sight of the manager? This is the first time this has ever happened.
The motorcycle man's eyes lit up with hope. Free food was back on the table, baby! But could he return to paying for food after being such a jackass? The dilemma was apparent in his eyes. It would probably be best to tread lightly yet offensively.
"Who do you think you are son? They jis gonna screw you like they did me." He said condescendingly.
Here. Here's two dollars. You can even keep the change." Now there was free food back on the table and there was some arbitrary amount of change that would be too hard to figure out in his head. The pot just got a lot sweeter.
He accepted my offer and everything was right in the world. He cited reasons that he only had one drink holder on his motorcycle so he didn't know what he would do with another cup. It's not like he was getting a deal anyway...
I offered an idea on what you can do with two cups. I took some wire out of my truck and we poked it into the bottom of each other's cups. Then we stood 100 feet apart and talked through the paper cup phone in the parking lot. It was kind of hard to hear with all of the traffic, but we talked about girls, the economy, and cars for hours on end. All in all it was a pretty good day and now I have a new friend.
posted by Ghengis @ 9:56 PM,
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More Projects
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
I forgot one of the most important home improvements that I have made since I took the reigns.
Just like the carpet, this project is far from complete... The quality and quantity will be upgraded.
I was trying to figure out how to do an image rollover for these, but I couldn't get it to work.
posted by Ghengis @ 11:18 PM,
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