The Mongolians

Exercise, Subway, Roommates, Neighbors, and Politics (not really politics)

The Mongolian Diet

I've been trying to figure out why I'm not losing weight. I'm not particularly fat, but I know I could stand to lose 20 lbs. I eat, pretty good. I exercise, sometimes. I am spending far less time writing things on the internet. This sounds like a fool proof plan to melt off the pounds. However, I think I've forgotten one key step.

At work when I'm busy, I'm constantly moving. As an industrial engineer, I hate idle time. As long as I have something to do (which isn't always) I'm in go go go gotta move gotta move get it done get it done mode. When I stop for lunch, I'm still in this mode. I can woof down a Subway sub in about 3.4 seconds and baked bbq chips and iced tea soon follow. Since I'm not a union worker, I do not take pleasure in sitting at my yellow table for the full allotted 30 minutes, listening to Subway rookies ask questions like, "That buffalo chicken is that kind of spicy? Like not too spicy but kind of? You know?" With me it's - food done - out the door - what's next? - go go go.

Here is the root of the problem. Eating too fast. I know two people who eat very very slowly. In a restaurant, these people are still eating when everyone else is sucking the air away from the ice in the bottom of their glass. Conversation has run dry because everyone else has already said everything there is to say while we wait for these guys to finish or finally ask for a to-go box. Is it coincidence that these are also the skinniest people I know?

I'm sure it's common sense that eating slower, processing the food in your head rather than your stomach and getting full sooner, on less food is the better way to go. However, why don't I see advertisements on TV that say, "HEY FATTY! Stop eating so fast!" Atkins, South Beach, Low-Fat, the Deep Woods Off diet, and the rest, all benefit some sort of food industry. The low fat craze spawned all kinds of companies specializing in foods that fat people love, without the guilt. You can eat 100 cookies in one sitting and not gain an ounce!


We Want Bacon, Dude!


The great thing about the eating slow diet is that anti-corporation hippy types love it because eating slowly does not benefit any industry. It hurts them! We can all live in the forest hugging trees, living off the land, and eating ever so slowly while staying fit and smelling bad. The problem is that we don't have a catchy name. If someone asks you why you ordered a hamburger without the bun, you can wield the Atkins name against your inquisitor like a weapon. Just saying Atkins sends intimidating meaty shivers through the spines of the uninitiated.

If this diet, no, this movement is going to take off, we have to come up with that catchy name. I'm afraid that names like Stop Eating So Damn Fast and Sado-Mastication might only bring out the freaks to try this revolutionary new idea. It needs a name that will ring in our hearts and minds. A name that makes you feel good about yourself! A name that you can scream from the top of a mountain so the whole world knows that you are dieting! "I'm on the Hippy Diet!"

It still needs work.

C.H.E.W. (or Children (w)Ho Eat Wrong) has been assigned as the acronym so the government knows that we're serious about this. If you make up an acronym for something, the government just starts mailing you money. They love acronyms.

Get ready for some exciting advertising.

posted by Ghengis @ 1:07 AM, ,

The Complex Life

Paris and Nicole are at it again! I didn't think anyone actually watched the first two seasons of this show but this train wreck is coming back for more. In the newest series, The Simple Life: Interns, America's favorite whore duo are going to make us all feel better about ourselves by taking on everyday jobs, like the ones you and I have, and make them look terribly difficult. Your job might even be made fun of in the process!


Get back to work!

I hope it's not too late, but I am going to ask my boss if it's ok to hire them for the summer. Usually we only get one intern per area, but I think we can make a special exception for rich hookers. I'm sure they will have no problem with providing their own vehicle and be willing to wear long sturdy pants. A basic understanding of electrical engineering is desired. I hope this isn't a problem.


Paris, Nicole, if you're reading this, please reply. I am looking for self-motivated individuals who are looking for summer work and a great resume builder. I'm sure some people will think the way you run away from dogs is very sexy. America will bust it's collective gut as you become more and more addicted to AM radio and begin to talk to yourself in your long trips down country roads. The laughter won't stop when we watch you try to type in 3 digit numbers with your 3" fingernails. The pay is pretty good so you don't have to worry about finding another job. We will take care of your mileage too!

This summer is going to be fun.

posted by Ghengis @ 9:41 PM, ,

The Truth about Fridge Wars

I was writing an editorial about how annoying I think everyone in the news is. I get irritated when I see news reports about "controversial" things (that I saw live as it happened) where the news story is based entirely on a single video clip. How Ashlee Simpson is catching so much flak for her bad performance at the Orange Bowl when I was actually watching it and Kelly Clarkson sounded 100 times worse. Of course, no one cares that it wasn't their fault. Also, the story about NFL receiver and professional dickhead, Randy Moss, and his fake-mooning of the Packer fans. If you hadn't watched this in real time and only based this on what you heard from the news, you'd think he stripped naked and jumped into the stands to use the toilet right there.

So, I was going to have a long post about my opinion about other people forming their opinion from distorted facts. I was going to make a call for all opinions to be reserved only for people who "were there". I was going to do this but I was starting to sound like one of those internet whiners who has a keyboard and an opinion: a self-destructive combination. (I also do not care about celebrities enough to give them more than a paragraph.)


Instead today's post is all about pictures of things found in the apartment!


Too much stuff for a bachelor pad.


An apple that tastes like a grape? I had to try it. I think they accidentally spilled a box of apples into the vat of grape popsicle juice. It has that fake candy-grape taste. Does this mean that we will be seeing apple flavored purple popsicles in your grocer's freezer just in time for summer? I hope so.

I ate one of these on the way to work today and threw the core into a creek. I hope that a raccoon finds it and provides an apple-y grape flavor for the hillbilly that scrapes it's roadkill body off the road and serves it for dinner. I just hope they don't hunt me down asking for more of that "Gracoon".


Peeled Mini Carrots! Carrots don't have a shell, or skin, or a peel but they are still peeled. My roommate believes that genetic engineering of plants is going to kill us all. I think I want to combine chicken eggs and carrots so they actually have a shell to peel.


Clear Playing Cards. These were made for introverted people that have trouble thinking of things to talk about when they're playing cards. Irony is a great icebreaker.


Someone wanted to eat one of the beer pong balls on Halloween because it looked delicious. We did this to avoid a lawsuit.

posted by Ghengis @ 8:13 PM, ,

Pick up the phone, Darkness

Last night the Sugar Bowl wasn't very exciting and I didn't have any money on it. Someone suggested we go to see a movie. We tried to think of everything that was out and shouted out our choices. The consensus was, Darkness, the movie. I didn't even remember seeing any previews for it. I wanted to call the theatre to find out what it was about, but all I got was a recording. They could have at least looked at the poster and explained the pictures to me.

Darkness, the movie, was a really scary movie. It cuts to the heart of human fears like many other movies have managed to convey. It can be compared to how The Village plays on your innate fear of monsters in the forests, how Home Alone reminds you that there are scary things in your father's medicine cabinet, and how Eye of the Beholder invokes the fear that the the director of that movie might use the ticket money to make more movies like it; Darkness, the movie, plays on a fear every American shares: Foreign people.

Just like real life, this entire film places an American family at the center of the universe. They are surrounded by thousands of foreign people while they are trapped on "Multicultural Island". The son in the movie at one point asks his dad why they had to be there. His father gracefully replies, "Because we had no choice." This movie features a mysterious French grandfather, an English electrician who is not able to fix electrical problems caused by ghosts, an Italian macho hunk trying to nail Anna Paquin, and an old Polish pedophile who will stands in the rain for hours with his binoculars trained on Anna's upstairs window. There is also a Frenchman who saves the dad who is having a heart attack behind the wheel of his car, but he only does this because it's required by the Samaritan laws.

The camera spends most of its time following the sometimes lovely, Anna Paquin. She is the envy of Hollywood for being the only actress who can look pretty and mentally handicapped at the same time. The latter becomes more and more apparent as the film progresses. Anna brilliantly recites her contrived lines at the correct moments including:
"That can't be!"
"You'll never get away with this!"
"We have to get out of here!"
and, "Perhaps we will find the answers in the Necronomicon."
The rest of the movie she whiles away the hours of horror by swimming at the local natatorium, leading on her Italian boyfriend by promising sexual favors if he paints the entire house, and screaming for no reason.

I certainly learned a lot from this movie. I learned that snakes can lay eggs the size of an ostrich's, parents do not care if their children are cutting their own necks with colored pencils, and that when you get right down to it, nothing beats watching a lunar eclipse on the TV.


P.S. Please help this guy find Anna's Email address. And not the fake ones this time. I'm sure he has a nice little tunnel in all set up in his basement for her to live.

posted by Ghengis @ 8:52 PM, ,


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    I'm Ghengis From Mongolia I like climbing, hopping across rocks in running water, and becoming an old man who is worried about the lawn. I hope today is friday.
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