The Mongolian Diet
Friday, January 28, 2005
I've been trying to figure out why I'm not losing weight. I'm not particularly fat, but I know I could stand to lose 20 lbs. I eat, pretty good. I exercise, sometimes. I am spending far less time writing things on the internet. This sounds like a fool proof plan to melt off the pounds. However, I think I've forgotten one key step.
At work when I'm busy, I'm constantly moving. As an industrial engineer, I hate idle time. As long as I have something to do (which isn't always) I'm in go go go gotta move gotta move get it done get it done mode. When I stop for lunch, I'm still in this mode. I can woof down a Subway sub in about 3.4 seconds and baked bbq chips and iced tea soon follow. Since I'm not a union worker, I do not take pleasure in sitting at my yellow table for the full allotted 30 minutes, listening to Subway rookies ask questions like, "That buffalo chicken is that kind of spicy? Like not too spicy but kind of? You know?" With me it's - food done - out the door - what's next? - go go go.
Here is the root of the problem. Eating too fast. I know two people who eat very very slowly. In a restaurant, these people are still eating when everyone else is sucking the air away from the ice in the bottom of their glass. Conversation has run dry because everyone else has already said everything there is to say while we wait for these guys to finish or finally ask for a to-go box. Is it coincidence that these are also the skinniest people I know?
I'm sure it's common sense that eating slower, processing the food in your head rather than your stomach and getting full sooner, on less food is the better way to go. However, why don't I see advertisements on TV that say, "HEY FATTY! Stop eating so fast!" Atkins, South Beach, Low-Fat, the Deep Woods Off diet, and the rest, all benefit some sort of food industry. The low fat craze spawned all kinds of companies specializing in foods that fat people love, without the guilt. You can eat 100 cookies in one sitting and not gain an ounce!
We Want Bacon, Dude!
The great thing about the eating slow diet is that anti-corporation hippy types love it because eating slowly does not benefit any industry. It hurts them! We can all live in the forest hugging trees, living off the land, and eating ever so slowly while staying fit and smelling bad. The problem is that we don't have a catchy name. If someone asks you why you ordered a hamburger without the bun, you can wield the Atkins name against your inquisitor like a weapon. Just saying Atkins sends intimidating meaty shivers through the spines of the uninitiated.
If this diet, no, this movement is going to take off, we have to come up with that catchy name. I'm afraid that names like Stop Eating So Damn Fast and Sado-Mastication might only bring out the freaks to try this revolutionary new idea. It needs a name that will ring in our hearts and minds. A name that makes you feel good about yourself! A name that you can scream from the top of a mountain so the whole world knows that you are dieting! "I'm on the Hippy Diet!"
It still needs work.
C.H.E.W. (or Children (w)Ho Eat Wrong) has been assigned as the acronym so the government knows that we're serious about this. If you make up an acronym for something, the government just starts mailing you money. They love acronyms.
Get ready for some exciting advertising.
posted by Ghengis @ 1:07 AM,
4 Conflict(s):
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At January 28, 2005 at 1:50 AM,
mAtt has news of...
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I myself am a fan of the 'stop eating food when you're not hungry, eat vegetables even though they don't taste good, and exercise even though it's not easy and you don't want to' diet. I'm not sure what the acronym is (it's a long one) but its effectiveness rate is amazing.
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At January 28, 2005 at 4:43 PM,
Ghengis has news of...
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Yeah I do most of that most of the time. The problem is that I don't want to limit myself when I get an impulse to eat. Eating slower and chewing more can be applied to everything from fresh green salads with light dressing to fried-in-lard buffalo wings with steak fries covered in cheese and bacon.
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At January 29, 2005 at 9:24 AM,
My Life In Indiana has news of...
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I want to see someone advertise this to lose weight.
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At January 31, 2005 at 10:59 PM,
Ghengis has news of...
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I read that right before work and it made me giggle all day thinking about a jittery fat man in a chair on an infomercial with the subtext - Is this you? You may be losing weight without knowing!
I think you may have discovered the coffee diet.
