Irate Conservative
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Today was just like any day. I rolled over in bed. It must have been the wrong side of the bed because I was not ready for the day. Either that or John Kerry was still running for president. I groggily smacked my alarm. The buzzing annoyed me almost as much as Kerry speaking. I showered with the radio on. Someone on there was talking about how Kerry is such a great debater. His statements did not carry any water because he doesn't think the same way I do.
I stepped outside, ready for the day. I hoped the fresh air would brighten my day, but I spied the neighbor putting a Kerry/Edwards sign up in his yard. What the hell is wrong with him? I raced back inside to get some eggs. All we had was two cartons of Egg Beaters, but that would work just as well. I twisted the cap off the cartons and threw them at his windows. Then I peed in his gas tank. I think my neighbor will think twice before he expresses his beliefs again.
Now I was late for work and even more angry. Some lady with an "F '04" bumper sticker on her SUV was in front of me driving at the speed limit. That enraged me to a point so steam came out of my ears. When the road widened to 2 lanes I drove up beside her and flipped her off. She gasped as if she didn't know what she had done wrong. I held up my sign I kept in my car that said, "National Healthcare will never work!" I followed her to the store she was going to and stabbed her tires after she went into the store. I poured lighter fluid all over her bumper stickers and lit a match.
I started going back to work when I was diverted by a protest in the middle of the street. I got out to find out what it was. Everyone was wearing ABK T-shirts and flip-flops (HAHAHA). They were chained together in lawn chairs chanting, "Kerry changes positions, people lose his mission!" I asked if I could join them because anyone that hates Kerry as much as I do is a friend of mine. We shared stories about how stupid people are that don't see things the way we do. I told them about how I egged my neighbor and blew up someone's car and they handed me a chain to join in. I locked myself in and let the hate flow.
The cops came to arrest us. I didn't understand how they could do that. We were being peaceful! They were just some of Kerry's minions trying to take away our First Amendment rights. The cops called the fire department. They brought a hose and started spraying us down. The hose water ripped our clothes off and we had a naked protest! I painted a waffle on my chest and drew an X over it because Kerry waffles on issues.
We were bailed out of prison by Kelsey Grammer and Britney Spears. They supported our cause because they hate Kerry too. This makes me feel better about my opinions because Kelsey played a psychiatrist on TV so he's smart. Britney is just really hot so you know everything she says is right.
They took us to a rally that spoke out against Kerry. They played music and it was pretty fun. Someone burnt an effigy of Kerry and we all screamed and made devil horns with our hands. Later they had a dancing fetus on stage because Kerry hates fetuses. Then we all had a pretend gay marriage to each other because Kerry wants everyone to be gay married. Britney invited me on stage and I think I am engaged to her! I'm so excited!
We went back to Britney's trailer (I thought she was rich but it's ok because we're in love) and snuggled on the couch while we watched the feature TV movie, Stolen Honor. It was all about how Kerry killed all of the people with different looking eyes and then he took on a fast boat away from the island while his friends were left to be captured by the different looking eyed people. It reminded us of our hate and how mad we are at people that support Kerry. I have to make sure they see the movie! It's all true you stupids!
I went home and squeezed out the rest of my hate in my online diary. I surfed to a pro-Kerry message boards on the internet and started arguing with people that I couldn't see. I replied to their pro-Kerry messages with quotes from Stolen Honor. Every time I posted a comment I leaned back in my chair with my arms crossed at my chest. Some guy on there said that he was voting for Kerry because he liked his hair. I wanted to write hateful words to that but I thought it was a good point.
I probably lost my job since I missed work today. But, it is Kerry's fault that I don't have a job because he is running for president and my hate comes before my well-being. I planned on taking the day off from work on November second anyway to make sure that Kerry doesn't get elected. I might have to steal some ballot boxes and throw them in the river if I don't think things are going my way.
posted by Ghengis @ 9:19 PM,
3 Conflict(s):
-
At October 25, 2004 at 6:20 PM,
Ghengis has news of...
-
Thanks. If it ever comes to people heating their houses with gasoline and then it suddenly becomes illegal, it is good to know that I have at least one person who will continue to put food on my table. I hope you're ok with a variable monthly rate that may go up to $5000/mo without prior notice. Read before you click ACCEPT.
Of course, this is all contingent on Kerry being elected. I might have to garnish your wages if this happens. -
At October 25, 2004 at 10:23 PM,
My Life In Indiana has news of...
-
Dan,
What should I be for Halloween? Halloween parties start in 4 days but I have no ideas!
Also, I went to church on Sunday but I don't feel forgiven for my immoral weekend activities. And I have confession-phobia...so what am I supposed to do?
Thanks for solving my life problems,
Lisa
P.S. Have a good Tuesday. What are you going to be for Halloween? -
At October 25, 2004 at 11:33 PM,
Ghengis has news of...
-
I guess you are cancelling on my Halloween party... We just finished making the beer pong table on Friday.
I'm having trouble figuring out what to be too. Maybe you could dress up as a priest and kill two birds by forgiving yourself. Wait, I think mocking a sacrament is probably a sin and you'll be stuck in a never ending loop of forgiveness (not to mention the sin of being a female priest). You probably need to dress up and find a catholic high school or grade school doing a mass confession and pretend to be a student and fall right in. If the priest thinks you're a grade school kid you might make him pass out depending on what you did. Then you can have a free priest costume.
I remember last year I went to www.costumeideazone.com to find a costume but after reading 200 lame ideas I just ended up just going to Goodwill and burning a shirt to wear. I don't think you can beat the hotness of your cowgirl costume but you can try. I'm going to go to the fireworks-store-turned-costume-store tomorrow to hash things out. So far the only things I've found around the house are a bike helmet and a lot of knives.
