Puffy White Lies
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
There is a new drink out there! It is called waterfornow. It is fat free, cholesterol free, low in carbs, but best of all, it is free! Waterfornow is a drink that you only order at a restaurant or bar. When the waitress comes over to your table, waterfornow is something you can order when you are really nervous or can't make a decision. It makes you happy because you get something to drink but it also makes the waitress happy because she will think that at some point you are going to order a different drink. The best thing about waterfornow is that when the bill comes you can go to the bathroom for an undisclosed amount of time. When you come back you can say, "Oh it looks like you guys have already taken care of the tip so I'll just be going now." Except you don't say that out loud for fear of opening your wallet. If you have to you can hide under a table or leave out the emergency exit. Somehow, waterfornow gives you license to not share in the tip or food paying portion of a meal.
The waitress can only fall for the waterfornow trick so many times before she realizes that the "fornow" part is really a lie. At least one person has to order something with alcohol in it to keep her from abandoning the table forever. My back hurts pretty bad from "carrying the team" sometimes.
When I got home last night I took some pain reliever medicine. I forgot that you should not consume them with alcohol but the back pain would not yield to just 2 beers and I needed the boost... or so I thought. I also forgot that medicine before bed makes the neurons in my brain start on fire and melt down rational thought. I had the thing where I kept waking up thinking that I could not breath anymore and my heart was trying to beat a hole through my chest in some kind of muntinous escape effort.
I tried counting sheep again. This is the worst idea of the night! I'm sure the idea stems from some kind of psychology where puffy white things bounding over a fence in the night sky makes you think of sleep. It probably has something to do with the fact that the difference between Sheep and Sleep is the upside down u connected to the h. Is the trick to get your sheep to jump upside down? Scientists will never know.
Well when my sheep start jumping it works great for awhile. I am concentrated until around sheep #23. He is wearing Jordan's Bulls jersey. Subsequent sheep appear on the scene with different outfits and hats on. One of the sheep has a spoiler attached to his rear end to keep his back end down when he's street racing. When we get to the upper 70's, one sheep has osteoporosis and when he tries to jump his back legs crack and he goes crashing through the fence, falling down on the other side. His followers are staring me in the eye, per usual, so they don't see him when they try to jump. They all end up making a pile of tangled wool next to the fence's splinters of wood. Sheep #100 is particularly fat because he has to wear an extra long sash with his corresponding number on it. He comes crashing into the scene and sends the wounded sheep flying like bowling pins, scattering everywhere in my head. With a deep breath, I wake up and have to start over.
My sheep jump from left to right. I bet if I make my sheep jump from right to left it has the same effect as amphetamines.
posted by Ghengis @ 10:49 PM,
