The Pack is only as Strong as its Weakest Member
Friday, July 27, 2007
If Vick really was a 'looser' he probably won't be in all of this trouble. I heard someone on the radio with the idea the beginnings of this idea - All celebrities should all be issued a list of regular non-celebrity people and their phone numbers who they can call if they find themselves in a moral dilemma.
Examples:
Hello? Jacob Smith? Hi! It's Lindz. This is a two part question. I have had three 8-balls and 14 vodka martinis tonight. I drove my car here. First question is how fast do you think I can drive my car and get home but not actually kill the kids that I hit but maybe put them in the hospital? Second question. Do you have any coke?
Hello Tiffany Brown! It's Jacko! Hey I am spending time with my favorite neighbor children. Do you have any extra Jesus Juice laying around?
Hey Dan. I hear you have all but one letter in each word on the Subway Scrabble game. Haha. I bet you just needed Boardwalk to win the $1 Million in McDonalds Monopoly! Later looser (sic)!
posted by Ghengis @ 4:58 PM,
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Stop Wining
Thursday, July 12, 2007
I woke up late for work the other day. I keep my boots in the truck so when I walk to the garage I am in my socks still. On my way out I stepped in something wet. There was a narrow, straight line of water on the floor going between the two counter tops. I looked at the counter and it was wet too, with a straight line of water inline with the water below on the floor.I checked the ceiling but there was no cracks or wet spots up there. It was also impossible for the ceiling to leak because that would require some sort of water such as rain. Remember when it used to rain? I can't wait to tell my grandkids all about rain.
The cabinet was also wet. Actually the cabinets were wet on both sides inline with the counter top and the floor line of water. I smelled the counter top. It hardly had a smell but it was bubbly and had a hint of yeast to it. So some food thing exploded? I didn't have any food things that had the energy to explode let alone the intelligence to go in a straight line.
If I had ever watched CIS I probably would have got it right away. The spray pattern, the smell, the cork sitting on the counter for no apparent reason... It took a few minutes but I finally realized that Mr. Wine did it with the Bottle in the Kitchen.
This can happen to anybody.
It's said that wine improves as it ages. It turns out this is only true if it stays in the bottle. Adolescent wine often takes the opportunity to revolt. Sometimes it succeeds. This wine was in its "terrible twos". It wants to be out of the bottle partying with everybody and cannot wait until it has a firm hold on reality. It needs to get its tongue pierced, drink a lot of upside down margaritas, and wake up next to someone whose name it cannot recall while gathering massive debt on college loans but never actually graduating. I was in no mood for partying at 8:00 AM.
The wine that stays in the bottle is more responsible. It waits around for the party. Responsible wine has a steady job of giving me a headache and making me fall asleep while everyone else is still awake and they think about what to draw on my face.
I had received the explosive wine as a gift so I wasn't upset about it. Plus it was WHITE wine which is only for girls and the kids that hang out at the Neverland Ranch. I had to mop the floor 3 times before the sticky started to go away. The 3 bottles of red wine I currently have were chortling at me during my cleaning task.
Screw you, wine. I'm sticking to beer.
posted by Ghengis @ 9:09 PM,
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Club Safely
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
We went to the local "club" this weekend. I haven't been there for years. It's the place to go when whether you're looking for 21-year-old college hoochies or 40-year-old drunk white trash guys. Take your pick. Oh and drug dealers too. I think I got a contact buzz off of a guy's shirt who was walking in front of me.
This is the first time I have been patted down to get into a bar in my big little city. They would not let me take my multi-tool attached to my keys into the bar. They must have run into some trouble with people coming in and fixing stuff. I promised not to take out the pliers and loosen any bolts but they had a legitimate fear that I could take out my 1.5" knife blade and threaten to temporarily cause slight discomfort for the guy who was smoking pot out in the middle of dance floor. There was also the fear that I might have met a girl with a hang nail and we could have bonded over the fact that I had the means to file it down smoothly.I learned to Wake Surf this weekend. I never knew you could follow a boat without holding onto a rope. I also never knew that you could go faster than the boat you're following, lose your balance, and fall into the boat that you're following.
posted by Ghengis @ 7:46 PM,
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