Lasik
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Tomorrow morning I am going to have every boy's dream come true - to look more like a robot. Despite losing a loyal customer, the eye salesman said that I was a perfect candidate for the highly experimental surgery. By the time you may be reading this, the mad scientist will have control of my eyes and will be in the process of replacing them with lasers.
I am so excited about this that I may not be able to sleep. By tomorrow it will be infinitely easier to do things that once took a minimal effort. The process of bringing my arm up and aiming a finger at the subject of conversation will be replaced with looking at the subject of conversation in order to shine a red dot on it. I will be able to shrink the kids, listen to a CD without a player, and weld dissimilar metals together without flux. Maybe I will even be able to send distress calls to super heroes.
The only drawback is losing the ability to see.
I hope the laser scientist will let me keep my eyes in a jar or at least a zip-loc bag in a cooler. I hope to mail them to Matt since he has no eyes.
posted by Ghengis @ 8:04 PM,
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News Introductions
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Hey guys this is Kat. I am being held here in Rome against my will. But the food is good so whatev'. Do you think I should change my name? Katie Cruise? Na, that sounds too alliterative. Did I just make up that word? Oh my God that is sooo funny! Katie Holmes-Cruise? Maybe... Oh I know! Katie Cruise-Holmes. Then we can start our own business! Cruise-Homes Reality! Sweet! That sure beats the hell out of the name the Pope gave me: EXCOMMUNICATED.
Yo! Juice here. If you didn't hear I writed a book! It is about how I would have killed my wife and her manfriend if I had killed them. It is filled with all of the gory details that will make you think that I actually did it. It is the first in a series of "What If" books that I am gonna write. Some titles rattling around in my head are: What if I have Chef Boyardee instead of Lean Cuisine Tonight?, What if my Golf Ball gets Eaten by a Dog?, What if My Ears were Replaced with Feet? and What if Tom killed Katie?
Hey this is your president speaking. I was in Asia last week. Everyone came out of their house to greet me. I'm an effin' rockstar! Heh!
Hi. I'm Jim Tressel. My new transition glasses have two uses. When they are clear, they help me keep the Ohio State Buckeyes in first place but when they turn dark as night it makes it easier to lure little kids into my truck during the bye week. I look like a pedophile.
Hi. I am a wild animal. The people in this picture are dead. Do you know how hard it was to operate the timer function on the camera with these mitts?
Hi. I am a cat. I love humping my pumpkin.
posted by Ghengis @ 7:39 PM,
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Snap Crackle and Spinal
Sunday, November 12, 2006
I was describing my accident to someone a few months ago. Stories that start out, "Let me tell you about the time I almost died." are always great ice breakers. This person said that he has an understanding of the inner-workings of the spine muscle and suggested that I go to see the same Back Wizard that he goes to regularly. I hmmm and haaa'd for a few weeks and then I decided to start seeing the Back Wizard.
The Back Wizard works out of an old carved out doctor's office to give his profession an air of authenticity. Perhaps he turned the old doctor into a toad or cannery. It was not as scary as I thought it would be. Back Wizards are very friendly and the staff he had mind controlled is very attractive.
The Back Wizard cast a spell to put a picture of my bones on a piece of clear plastic, without removing my skin. A cute girl measure the range of motion in parts of my arms and neck and etc. (probably to see if I will fit in the oven or not). We talked about my accident and looked at the magic bone pictures together. He told me that I had military neck so I would be really good at the army, but really bad at growing old. He gave me the choice. I could either let my neck dry up and fall off in a few years or give him a lot of money to fix my back and neck. I said, "Where do I sign up?"The cute girl took me into another room and had me take off my shirt. I was starting to think that I might like this. Then she hooked up some pads to my neck and arm. The pads let the Back Wizard focus his energy into my body to make my muscles move without my say-so. After about 10 minutes the cute girl took me into another room where I was left alone with my thoughts (to cry).
A short while later the Back Wizard entered. The first thing he did was make me sit in a chair and face in a direction where I could not see where he was. The Back Wizard came up behind me, grabbed my neck, and twisted my head like when a commando wants to kill a bad guy. Back Wizard must have spent some time as a commando before learning the arcane arts. What a life, huh?
That didn't feel too bad so we went on. Next the wizard chained my arms behind me as I lie on my belly. He winched up the chains so that my head and back were just suspended while my legs were still on the bed thing. Then the Back Wizard came up with his giant military boot and stomped on my back as hard as he could. That kind of hurt, but I trusted the professional to know what he was doing.
Finally the wizard had me lie on my back on the table thing. Then he dumped a bunch of Halloween candy on my chest. He opened the door and Mrs. Smitherman's 3rd grade class poured into the room. The kids swarmed over the candy. My I twisted and turned on the bed thing until the kids had taken all of the candy. I was twitching with a torn shirt and a shattered sense of reality, but I knew that it would make my back return to normal.
"That's it!" said the Back Wizard. He took me to the front of the office and gave me a bottle of magic beans. "This will make your back feel better and because it is made of lizard toe nails and cannery beaks. Your back will grow a beanstalk and will allow me to climb into the clouds to challenge the giant for the greatest back cure of them all."
All it does is make my pee smell like maple syrup.
posted by Ghengis @ 10:07 PM,
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VOTE
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
The horse race is on!
These horses believe in their civic responsibility!
Get out and vote!
They refuse to vote for donkeys but always obey the speed limit.
I do not understand my "city".
posted by Ghengis @ 2:44 PM,
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My Team is Better
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
For someone not familiar with our country looking in from a distance, it would be quite possible that they could be confused by our every-other-year soap opera known as an election. The outsider may think that Bush, Kerry, Mark Foley, and Stem Cell Research are running for election positions. This is not even true, but they are getting more face time than anyone who actually is. I do not even think that Stem Cell Research is an actual person. Even if he is, I would be wary for voting for anyone who uses their middle name like a serial killer.
It is almost November 7th and pretty soon we can get back to pointing fingers at other meaningless things. Meanwhile, this is the only political ad that I have sat all the way through.
posted by Ghengis @ 9:19 PM,
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