Snap Crackle and Spinal
Sunday, November 12, 2006
I was describing my accident to someone a few months ago. Stories that start out, "Let me tell you about the time I almost died." are always great ice breakers. This person said that he has an understanding of the inner-workings of the spine muscle and suggested that I go to see the same Back Wizard that he goes to regularly. I hmmm and haaa'd for a few weeks and then I decided to start seeing the Back Wizard.
The Back Wizard works out of an old carved out doctor's office to give his profession an air of authenticity. Perhaps he turned the old doctor into a toad or cannery. It was not as scary as I thought it would be. Back Wizards are very friendly and the staff he had mind controlled is very attractive.
The Back Wizard cast a spell to put a picture of my bones on a piece of clear plastic, without removing my skin. A cute girl measure the range of motion in parts of my arms and neck and etc. (probably to see if I will fit in the oven or not). We talked about my accident and looked at the magic bone pictures together. He told me that I had military neck so I would be really good at the army, but really bad at growing old. He gave me the choice. I could either let my neck dry up and fall off in a few years or give him a lot of money to fix my back and neck. I said, "Where do I sign up?"The cute girl took me into another room and had me take off my shirt. I was starting to think that I might like this. Then she hooked up some pads to my neck and arm. The pads let the Back Wizard focus his energy into my body to make my muscles move without my say-so. After about 10 minutes the cute girl took me into another room where I was left alone with my thoughts (to cry).
A short while later the Back Wizard entered. The first thing he did was make me sit in a chair and face in a direction where I could not see where he was. The Back Wizard came up behind me, grabbed my neck, and twisted my head like when a commando wants to kill a bad guy. Back Wizard must have spent some time as a commando before learning the arcane arts. What a life, huh?
That didn't feel too bad so we went on. Next the wizard chained my arms behind me as I lie on my belly. He winched up the chains so that my head and back were just suspended while my legs were still on the bed thing. Then the Back Wizard came up with his giant military boot and stomped on my back as hard as he could. That kind of hurt, but I trusted the professional to know what he was doing.
Finally the wizard had me lie on my back on the table thing. Then he dumped a bunch of Halloween candy on my chest. He opened the door and Mrs. Smitherman's 3rd grade class poured into the room. The kids swarmed over the candy. My I twisted and turned on the bed thing until the kids had taken all of the candy. I was twitching with a torn shirt and a shattered sense of reality, but I knew that it would make my back return to normal.
"That's it!" said the Back Wizard. He took me to the front of the office and gave me a bottle of magic beans. "This will make your back feel better and because it is made of lizard toe nails and cannery beaks. Your back will grow a beanstalk and will allow me to climb into the clouds to challenge the giant for the greatest back cure of them all."
All it does is make my pee smell like maple syrup.
posted by Ghengis @ 10:07 PM,
3 Conflict(s):
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At November 14, 2006 at 2:50 AM,
has news of...
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those weren't 3rd graders.
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At November 16, 2006 at 8:22 PM,
supine has news of...
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Is that your real Back Wizard, who agreed to let you take his photo and then Photoshop on a jaunty little hat, or is that a random internet photo? Because that's just uncanny.
Also, what is military neck? I want one. -
At November 17, 2006 at 12:07 PM,
Ghengis has news of...
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No, but I think a goatee is an indication of a back wizard. Or maybe just a wizard. Long ago are the days of the long white beard and flowing robe. Wizards these days are going for a more contemporary look to try to fit in with the rest of society. I guess I will never be a wizard.
The pictures are respectively the first 2 pictures that came up in two separate google image searches. Extra points if you can guess the words!
