Irate Conservative
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Today was just like any day. I rolled over in bed. It must have been the wrong side of the bed because I was not ready for the day. Either that or John Kerry was still running for president. I groggily smacked my alarm. The buzzing annoyed me almost as much as Kerry speaking. I showered with the radio on. Someone on there was talking about how Kerry is such a great debater. His statements did not carry any water because he doesn't think the same way I do.
I stepped outside, ready for the day. I hoped the fresh air would brighten my day, but I spied the neighbor putting a Kerry/Edwards sign up in his yard. What the hell is wrong with him? I raced back inside to get some eggs. All we had was two cartons of Egg Beaters, but that would work just as well. I twisted the cap off the cartons and threw them at his windows. Then I peed in his gas tank. I think my neighbor will think twice before he expresses his beliefs again.
Now I was late for work and even more angry. Some lady with an "F '04" bumper sticker on her SUV was in front of me driving at the speed limit. That enraged me to a point so steam came out of my ears. When the road widened to 2 lanes I drove up beside her and flipped her off. She gasped as if she didn't know what she had done wrong. I held up my sign I kept in my car that said, "National Healthcare will never work!" I followed her to the store she was going to and stabbed her tires after she went into the store. I poured lighter fluid all over her bumper stickers and lit a match.
I started going back to work when I was diverted by a protest in the middle of the street. I got out to find out what it was. Everyone was wearing ABK T-shirts and flip-flops (HAHAHA). They were chained together in lawn chairs chanting, "Kerry changes positions, people lose his mission!" I asked if I could join them because anyone that hates Kerry as much as I do is a friend of mine. We shared stories about how stupid people are that don't see things the way we do. I told them about how I egged my neighbor and blew up someone's car and they handed me a chain to join in. I locked myself in and let the hate flow.
The cops came to arrest us. I didn't understand how they could do that. We were being peaceful! They were just some of Kerry's minions trying to take away our First Amendment rights. The cops called the fire department. They brought a hose and started spraying us down. The hose water ripped our clothes off and we had a naked protest! I painted a waffle on my chest and drew an X over it because Kerry waffles on issues.
We were bailed out of prison by Kelsey Grammer and Britney Spears. They supported our cause because they hate Kerry too. This makes me feel better about my opinions because Kelsey played a psychiatrist on TV so he's smart. Britney is just really hot so you know everything she says is right.
They took us to a rally that spoke out against Kerry. They played music and it was pretty fun. Someone burnt an effigy of Kerry and we all screamed and made devil horns with our hands. Later they had a dancing fetus on stage because Kerry hates fetuses. Then we all had a pretend gay marriage to each other because Kerry wants everyone to be gay married. Britney invited me on stage and I think I am engaged to her! I'm so excited!
We went back to Britney's trailer (I thought she was rich but it's ok because we're in love) and snuggled on the couch while we watched the feature TV movie, Stolen Honor. It was all about how Kerry killed all of the people with different looking eyes and then he took on a fast boat away from the island while his friends were left to be captured by the different looking eyed people. It reminded us of our hate and how mad we are at people that support Kerry. I have to make sure they see the movie! It's all true you stupids!
I went home and squeezed out the rest of my hate in my online diary. I surfed to a pro-Kerry message boards on the internet and started arguing with people that I couldn't see. I replied to their pro-Kerry messages with quotes from Stolen Honor. Every time I posted a comment I leaned back in my chair with my arms crossed at my chest. Some guy on there said that he was voting for Kerry because he liked his hair. I wanted to write hateful words to that but I thought it was a good point.
I probably lost my job since I missed work today. But, it is Kerry's fault that I don't have a job because he is running for president and my hate comes before my well-being. I planned on taking the day off from work on November second anyway to make sure that Kerry doesn't get elected. I might have to steal some ballot boxes and throw them in the river if I don't think things are going my way.
posted by Ghengis @ 9:19 PM,
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All These Foggin' Flies
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
It has been foggy in the mornings lately. I get up extra early and listen to the radio hoping to hear that my company has issued a delay among all of the school delays, but it never happens. There are no delays in the working world.
Driving in the fog gives the feeling of being enclosed by a cocoon of mist, almost like you aren't outside at all, but inside. This brings back warm childhood memories of always wanting to drive inside a building. (I really wanted a Hummer when I was 12-years-old. I think this is a good commentary on Hummer owners. I also always wanted to flood the basement at my house so I could swim inside, but I've never done anything like that.)
Visibility was over 200 feet, the lines on the road were easy to see, and everyone had their lights on. Now in my driving-indoors fantasy, there are no other vehicles and I can drive as fast as I want. This fantasy is ruined when the truck in front of me wants to play captain safety and drive 30 mph. I can't pass because that would be dangerous, but a hint of speed wouldn't hurt anything. I thought I saw a turtle zoom past us, but it could have been a fog-mirage.
I tried to think of what could possibly be the reason for driving so slow. Are there nefarious construction crews that quickly remove sections of the road in a dense fog? They probably would catch a lot of people like me in their trap hole and then take my truck while I'm knocked out. I guess that might be a pretty scary thing to think about when you're driving, but if that is the only thing you can think about in your commute, you should take the bus.
Overcautious drivers need to be removed from the road. If you can't drive with confidence, then you need to hire someone to do it for you. If you can't afford someone to drive for you a driver will be appointed by the state. The test is if you can go to a 4-way-stop and TAKE YOUR TURN. I love the smiley people that think they're doing a you a favor by waving you through during their turn at the stop. Meanwhile a backlog of drivers, behind this philanthropist, are loading their weapons. Causing more traffic makes people beat their wives. What kind of favor is that?
Anyway, I can take out my driving frustrations on the grill I got for my birthday. Sunday I cooked out on the balcony. I left the door open because I'm an open-door kind of person and I wanted to watch the games on TV.
At least they aren't stacked on top of each other.
Some flies got in and they have taken up residence in our kitchen and sometimes my bathroom. I didn't think flies lived for very long but these are troopers. I think roommate food that lies in the sink for weeks has special properties that cause everlasting life. If that's the case, my sink is the fountain of youth.
The great stand-off.
posted by Ghengis @ 8:03 PM,
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