Money Disintegrator
Friday, May 06, 2005
You know, I'm not really a neat freak. It is only by comparison to the people I'm living with that may make it seem that way. I could try to exonerate my name and make it seem that I am somewhat normal. Instead I will go the other way. I'm not just going to try to prove that I'm a clean freak. I want to prove that I'm completely crazy when it comes to keeping things clean. Not just picking things up and doing the dishes. I'm talkin' psychotic-John-Travolta-promoting-Scientology and-naming-my-kid-"Jett" insane about cleaning.
I bought an Ionic Breeze!
Don't go thinking I had the money to spend $400 on one of these. I had a number of cashback bonus gift certificates and I split the 'buy one / get one half price' deal with someone else, so it didn't cost that much. Still, it did cost enough that you would probably want to let your wife or husband know about before making a purchase. In fact you might want to let someone know that you have entertained thoughts of purchasing one of these before you get married to them. This device does not double as a divorce attorney and there's a good chance you might need one if you buy one on a whim.
Like always, I did a lot of research before making the potentially life altering decision to buy one of these. The Internet is full of facts so it was the perfect place to gather information. I learned from hundreds of consumer and professional comments on the Internet that the Ionic Breeze does not work in any way shape or form, but people absolutely love it! How could anyone resist owning a stationary paradox that sets in their living room or bedroom doing nothing?
Anyone that enters your room will ask, "Oh, you have an Ionic Breeze in your room. Do those things actually work?" This device is great for people who have trouble starting a conversation or keeping one going. You can answer this question with confidence, "I... I'm not sure. Want to go to bed?"
The way it works is it sends out negative ions to capture those nefarious positive ions. Much like a honey bee, the negative ions do a dance inside of the Ionic Breeze to show the other negative ions where the positive ions are. Positive ions are all around you, whispering negative thoughts into your ear making you feel sad or telling your brain to cough. It is positive to be negative in the ion world. The air purifier tricks the positive ions into thinking that there are more people's days to ruin inside of the purifying unit. Here, the positive ions are captured and put on death row.
On this account it is supposed to get rid of depression. I'm not depressed so I can't really say if it does or not. I can say that I get really excited when I walk into my room and I look into those soft, glowing blue and green lights and slim blade design. So excited that a decent man just has to look away.
I think the only reason they say it gets rid of depression is because you have to clean it every week and that gives depressed people something to do or look forward to. Nothing cures depression better than a chore! Plus, if you have something depending on you it gives you a reason to live. If you cut your wrists and die, who is going to clean the air purifier? No one; unless you specify someone to in your suicide note but while you're thinking about who would be the best person to clean it, you'll probably reconsider suicide and possibly your life altogether.
One of the concerns about this thing is that it produces Ozone. Ozone is 3 molecules of oxygen instead of the 2 you're used to stuffing in your selfish mouth and nose all day and night. Air purifier owners secretly breathe 50% faster than the rest of people. Of course that's not considering diffusion of the already present oxygen, nitrogen, and other molecules in the air, but who really believes statistics anymore anyway. You also have to buy a Sharper Image Ozone Breather Unit in order to get this faster breathing feature. They cost $10,000.
Also, if you leave the window open when your Ionic Breeze is on, the ozone generated from your unit goes straight up to the stratosphere where it is used by the clouds to mend the ever growing ozone hole. Don't worry about telling the clouds what to do. They already know. Your contribution to ending the Greenhouse Effect will earn you the right to purchase the grossly overpriced Environmental Hero Certificate from the Sharper Image for the same cost of a new unit. But the real reward is the satisfaction of knowing you made a difference.
The truth is that this thing is doing something. The first morning after sleeping with the purifier running I woke up startled as to how clear my nose was. There was no sinus obstructions whatsoever. I have had allergies all my life and there's usually some sort of congestion associated with waking up. I was wary of this merely being a psychosomatic response so I tried sleeping again. The next day I woke my nose was slightly congested, per usual. Things were back to normal and it was back to the drawing board for the Ionic Breeze results. Hint: I find nighttime to be the best time for sleep.
The only concern I have is that the Sharper Image may be trying to make a race of people who are totally dependent on their products. If you are too tempered to breathing clean air all of the time in your apartment because you are a temporary cripple who still isn't allowed to drive because he's still on pain medication, it eventually will make your immune system take a well deserved vacation. When your immune system comes back from vacation, however, it doesn't want to do any work thus making it impossible to go outdoors or anywhere away for your precious clean air generator. If only there were an overpriced and useless portable device to combat this effect? Of course, that wouldn't be insane would it?
Here are the results for one and a half weeks of operation:
Positive Ion Prison.
The warden roughs them up a little to show them who's boss.
Not in my lungs, sister!
Gassed up and ready to catch more of those evil positive ions.
Bottom Line: One and a half Shrugs out of four.
posted by Ghengis @ 1:30 AM,
6 Conflict(s):
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At May 7, 2005 at 5:33 PM,
has news of...
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I'm testdriving my new laptop like a snob at the local coffee-and-bookhouse. I read your article and let out involuntary giggles. If I hadn't averted my eyes, I might have started snorting.
My dorkness has been revealed.
But seriously Dan, an ionic breeze? i picture this to be the purchase of either loafing country-club types, or raw-handed neat freaks. oh wait, you addressed that in your beginning disclaimer entry. But WHAT IS NEXT, Dan? Bottled distilled water? Ceiling swiffers? An automatic litterbox cleaner?
beware of the slippery slope... -
At May 10, 2005 at 9:41 AM,
Ghengis has news of...
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I was trying to find out what these ceiling swiffers are. If it is what I think it is - 1000 squirrels constantly running around the ceiling sweeping with their tails - then I'm sold.
To clarify I was the first approached with the deal to share in the buy one get one half off thing. We both had lots of gift certificates to burn (and I do not need a $40 automatic eyeglass cleaner) and I couldn't imagine myself going to another friends house and seeing what could have been MY ionic breeze if I had rejected my other friend's offer!
Here I am defending myself when I should be marketing the shrug rating system. -
At May 11, 2005 at 3:22 PM,
has news of...
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*mild panic*
not leaving here, right?
--
my boss purchased one of those when my coworker and i had some allergy-type sneezing. after a few months of use, the stuff we cleaned off of it was black.
truly disgusting. i wonder if it was tar from my boss' mouth or something. -
At May 11, 2005 at 10:58 PM,
Ghengis has news of...
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revi, I'm not leaving anywhere*.
You didn't say if the workplace ionic actually helped your sneezing or not.
My stuff looks grey on the blades but black on that rag. I don't know if it's really doing anything, but I like the smell.
* ;) -
At May 13, 2005 at 8:47 PM,
has news of...
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uhm, i'm buzzed. what?
oh yea. i think i stopped sneexzing. that and uhm.. we cleaned up the grey dust that accumulates around puters.
and uhm, where was i?
oh. you left that other place. so i thought you might be done with this place too.
and as for my use for you. why i'm not done with you.
well, can you make pomegranate margaritas? martha stewart has a wicked recipe and you just follow that. i have the makings. so i'll expect you here in mmm, 8 hours?
hey, let's open a bar in a tropical island locale? hows that sound?
mm, time to make refills. bye! -
At May 14, 2005 at 12:27 AM,
Ghengis has news of...
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ok revi, I'm on my way. I have to catch a flight but I doubt I'll have trouble getting a flight at this time of night. I think I have 5 hours left? See you in the morning! It's so early I'll have to go fishing.
