Neighborhood Slut
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Everyone said that house hunting was going to be fun. Everyone is right.
This is a great hunting activity that I can even do when I'm at work. If I tried to do real hunting at work I would get fired when someone heard the gun sounds. People get nosey when they hear guns shot in their neighborhood (even if it is from their future neighbor!) They'd call the police and my truck isn't very fast so I probably wouldn't get very far before they shot out my tires. I bet it would be over so quick that I wouldn't get my own personal media frenzy. It seems like anyway can get their own media frenzy these days.
When I drive through a neighborhood that looks like it may have what I'm looking for I get in the hunting mood. I put my head on swivel in search of the different colored signs in people's front yards. Most of those signs also have a tube connected. These tubes contain the all important information that is required to make the life altering decision to buy or not.
When approaching the info-tube I usually don't want to owner of the house to see me taking interest in their merchandise. I'll usually park a few houses down and saunter over to the tube whistling a tune while pretending to be walking door to door selling Bibles. Sometimes, when the terrain permits, I can dart from tree to tree or crawl on my belly until I reach the tube to obtain the objective, unseen.
This might sound pretty insane but if the owners think no one likes their house, they might lower the price. In fact, if the owners think that everyone hates their house, they may lower the price even further. I'll go on home tours armed with a book of post-it notes and a Sharpie with the intention to nit-pick every single defect I can find.
And they'll know who it's from too.
If it takes these insults to heart, the house will fall into a deep depression. The owners will do all they can to figure out what's wrong, but the house will just regress further and further. Eventually the house will sneak out late at night dressed in revealing clothing and drinking and doing drugs. It'll have the reputation of the neighborhood slut.
When I find the house dancing on top of the bar showing its thong and spreading its garage doors to just about anyone is when I can move in with my dashing looks and charm. The owners will do anything to relieve themselves of the burden of raising a proper home and just about give it away to someone who they think will take care of it.
It'll take time to convince the neighbors that the house is not really a slut anymore. We won't worry about image until it's time to sell.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
posted by Ghengis @ 11:15 PM,
1 Conflict(s):
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At April 7, 2005 at 9:12 PM,
has news of...
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You should have a show on HGTV. -- commando house hunter
