The things you find in the Country
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Poor Chris.
posted by Ghengis @ 10:52 PM,
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S for Soliloquy
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I had the pleasure of seeing V for Vendetta the other night. I was excited about seeing a movie where the hero used throwing knives as his primary weapon because I own a few throwing knives myself. That's right. I used to throw them at a piece of cardboard in my parents' backyard pretending that the cardboard was an evil pirate holding some girl in my grade school for ransom. I thought about copying a page from the 'nerd manual to seeing movies' and bring my knife in as a prop for some reason but I didn't really see the point so I left it at home.
I was really disappointed by the movie. There were only 4 or 5 knives thrown in the entire 2 and a half hours. The rest of the movie was taken up endless talking. That talking was complimented by dialogue that efforts to pound the same ideas into your head. If you are feeling pretty high about yourself, V for Vendetta is a great way to spend a few hours being treated like a child.
We are introduced to the evil Hitler/Stalin-esque Arch Chancellor who spends all of his face time talking down to his minions. In case you are confused as to his role in the movie, the producers were nice enough to include visual aids.
Be sure to ask person at the ticket counter for a picture companion guide if you can't read.
The movie also has other characters but they are not as important as the blood sweating evil Chancellor.
Many of reviews state that this is an "amazing movie" with "stunning visual effects" but "it also makes you think"! This movie definitely makes you think. From one soliloquy to a diatribe to another soliloquy in flashback form you are told exactly what to think. The sad thing is that the whole point of the film is to display the fact that the characters have come to terms with their beliefs (that they can break free from an oppressive government) on their own. The problem is that coming to terms with your beliefs only can be achieved through broadcasting brainwashing videos, illegal torture, and blowing up important historical landmarks - which is on par with what the evil goverment was doing in the first place. I for Irony would have been a more apt title.
I learned that all common citizens are mindless drones and can be swayed in any direction provided they are told the same story in 5 different ways. Don't miss the end of the movie! There is a 3 minute montage of clips from everything that happened in the movie just in case you fell asleep during a monologue or are too slow-witted to absorb the entire contents of the film in one sitting. I asked the projector man to pause the movie like 10 times so I could look up some of the hard words in my dictionary, but he refused. Fascist!
Besides being endlessly talked down to, I still liked the movie and would recommend seeing it.
V for Vendetta gets half a shrug for each throwing knife.
posted by Ghengis @ 11:16 PM,
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Dear Capital One, NO!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
No no, none of these analogies add up at all.
Anyway, after reading this I am glad that I have been shredding all 3 of the daily Capital One mailings that appear in my mailbox. Apparently even if you tear up the credit card applications into tiny bits, tape the pieces back together, write an address on it other than your own, and list a phone number other than your home phone, and mail it in, the credit card companies will be more than happy to oblige a credit card to any address you like.
This is why paper shredders need to be rated, not by the number of sheets they can take at once; rather as to if they are able to shred a Capital One or Citibank application in one pass. If I try to feed the shredder an intact, sealed Capital One envelope, the machine stops working and flashes a red error light in a fit of anger. The card company forces me to open the mail before shredding it the off chance that I accidentally fill out the application inside and send it to them. I have to tear the application in half, take the sheets out and unfold them before feeding the mouth of the toothy beast. This makes the shredder very happy!
I love it when you thwart identity theft like that.
Of course if they begin making shredders that tout the ability to easily sift through junk mail, the credit card companies will have to redouble their efforts and send mail can't be diced up without opening. Pretty soon we'd all start receiving hardbound novellas or a some sort of puzzle boxes in the mail. Maybe they will steal an idea from the thriving company, AOL, and start sending their applications in a metal tin. If this happened, the shredder companies will have to begin designing with new metal shredding home shredders. The cycle looks to never end.
What the credit card companies need to do is send you something that you will not throw away. Something useful and fun. Something that makes you excited about getting mail again. Something you'd be happy to get 4 or 5 of every day.
An offer you can't refuse.
posted by Ghengis @ 11:55 PM,
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Fried Zonko
Sunday, March 12, 2006
I have lost around 15 pounds since the beginning of the year. Around 3 or 4 months ago I weighed a slobbery chunk of 210 lbs. Being smashed by a semi tends to put someone on a path of life where you sit at the computer all day long transferring handfuls of birthday cake to your mouth with one hand while a Dr. Pepper IV is injected in the other arm. The local grocers catch on pretty quick when you order your "great grandmother's" 5th birthday cake in two weeks. The semi excuse was getting old and it was time to get back into shape. Last week I was down to slobbery muscle of 195 and counting.
I have been on the No French Fry diet. At the beginning of the year I decided that I really didn't need to consume delicious golden brown crisps of potato (sometimes covered in bacon and cheese) with all of the meals where they were usually a standard.
This is a new diet sure to put Atkins and all other fad diets to shame. It even slams my Deep Woods Off diet. The 450 page book comes out in July detailing the No French Fry diet. When you buy the book do not forget to pick up the plush Anti-French Fry stuffed elephant named Zonko, your No French Fry calorie counter, and the laminated shower chart with upside-down dry erase pen.
Ruby Tuesday has also signed on to host the diet. They have come out with 6 special meals that will not be served with french fries to accommodate this new fad. Secret: (They are the same old meals they used to have but they jacked the price up by $3.) Be sure to look for their clever, easy to distinguish logo next to the fad diet menu item!
Lucky for all 'The Mongolians' readers, you do not have to buy to 450 page book or endure 3-day weekend intensive training seminar at the Super 8 motel. The secrets of the No French Fry diet are right here:
Step 1: Do not eat fries.
Step 2: Get laid.
The goal is to get back down to 180 lbs as long as I can do it without looking like one of those weird guys with the big head and a tiny body with big arms.
Losing 15 pounds feels great. I'm sure not eating fries for 3 months is a lot like what it feels like to give birth to twins. I now know the pain of a woman.
Disclaimer: Results found of No French Fry diet only with daily running, general healthy diet, and a decreased use of alcohol. All actors in the study are well paid and can suck their gut in on command when a hot chick walks by.
Is it just me or is drew starting to lose his mind?
posted by Ghengis @ 10:56 PM,
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Cart Vigilante
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Pulling up into the Lowes parking lot I spied a woman loading up her car with her giant hardware store purchases. Upon finishing the loading procedure the woman proceeded to enter her car and start the engine, leaving her cart free to meander the parking lot like 1980's robot that was recently hit by lightning.
Coincidently I had parked next to this Mrs. Negligence and was not going to let her crime go unpunished. I kindly pushed the offending cart the entire two parking spaces towards the cart corral. The corral was in the opposite direction of the store and my contrary-to-the-norm movement attracted the attention of the criminal.
Merely a suggestion.
The woman halted her SUV in front of the cart corral and gawked with her cow eyes. The SUV was positioned in such a way that the cart would barely fit between the corral or the vehicle. I played Operation when I was little but I never owned it. We had to go across the street to bad influence kid's house to play. My mom wouldn't buy it because she thought I would try to remove the bones from other children when I was on our blacktop playground for recess.
Now I was forced to heave the cart over the corral railings and slam it down into place where it belongs. Lowes' carts are heavy. Still angry, I glanced at the offending woman to see if she appreciated the fact that I did her job for her. She showed her thanks by holding up one of her fingers for me to see. I considered thanking her in kind but instead walked towards the store shaking my head.
Have we really gotten to the point where we need either Human Consideration Laws or some kind of The More You
When I am president every cart will be corralled, no one will ever cruise in the left lane, and no toilet seat will be left up (to get the female vote) - because the offending party will automatically get life in prison with no chance of parole. However an inmate will have an excellent chance of being bumped up to the death penalty if they violate the Consideration Laws while in jail.
This is what you asked for.
posted by Ghengis @ 9:12 PM,
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