Scheduling Pains
Thursday, December 22, 2005
I am currently hooked up to a 24-hour heart monitor.
Party!
I have found the secret word to get anything you want at a doctor's office. If you let the words "chest pains" slip from your lips, people will come out of the wood work and trip over themselves to aid you. Your chest pains will be treated with the utmost seriouscity. Its a lot like how every time you say Blathering Blatherskite, you know that GizmoDuck is being suited up for to save Dewey from the Beagle Boys.
Anyway, I called a doctor's office and told them I hadn't been feeling well for a few weeks and that I'm dizzy sometimes and my chest is congested. I didn't even say the other half of the secret phrase - well- you would have thought that I called the president with plausible terrorist news. I think the scheduling lady even switched me over to the super secret emergency red phone and cleared the entire day's schedule so they could get me in before the doctor's vacation. I even heard her click her solitaire window closed.
Where are these chest pains? How often do you feel them? How old are you? On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad are the chest pains? When do you feel the chest pains? Chest pain chest pain chest pain!
I had to calm her down and say that I'm more concerned about being dizzy than having a chest cold... but it's too late and the damage had been done. CHEST PAIN has been stamped on every form, sticker, and any equipment used on me. I don't even have any chest discomfort anymore, but in the past three days I have been treated like a Make-A-Wish child.
They even stamped CHEST PAIN in red on my forehead so when I walk in to whatever clinic, the receptionist knows to press the freak out button to call out an army of attendants to make sure my brisk walk wasn't going to cause a whole body shut-down. While the fuss is quite annoying, this has proven quite beneficial in other areas.
"Chest pain here. Move aside. Chest pain buying Christmas presents. Moving to the front of the line. Chest pain. Going home from work 2 hours early. Outta my way. Can't take the garbage out, chest pain. Somebody change the channel for me. Chest pain hungry!"
The best part of the 24-hour holter is that they give you a diary to write down the time so they can sync up events with your heart conditions. I'm supposed to write down every time anything hurts or if I eat or drink anything but the more information I provide, the better model they can create. They get to know every time I throw something in the trash or when I fart.
I can't wait to see the results of the diary entry where I wrote down that I was helping my dad with the computer over the phone. Helping your parent's with the computer? That's what we call the WIDOWMAKER in the heart industry!
I'm fine. There is no discomfort today at all and this is a big deal about nothing. We are just doing this to be 'for sure'. However, I'm convinced I may have mild sleep apnea.
I'm going skiing next week either way.
Merry Christmas everyone!
posted by Ghengis @ 10:12 PM,
1 Conflict(s):
-
At January 22, 2006 at 11:04 AM,
supine has news of...
-
Um, I'm really sorry about your, you know, chest pains and stuff. But this post cracked me up. I am going to start saying "Chest pain hungry!" at every possible opportunity. It might replace "Sloth. Love. Chunk." as my favorite random thing to say.
Get well soon!
