The Green Age
Friday, April 28, 2006
This is the first spring of being in my new house. I am continually amazed that the leafy things I placed in the ground last fall are actually coming back out of the ground for another year.
However, some of the plants have, for one reason or another, decided to commit plant suicide. The warning signs were there but I ignored them. I tried everything to make them happy but I failed. Just because I buried them in clay does not mean I didn't love them all the same.
Plants do not have arms or hands so I know they didn't cut their wrists or anything. I made sure to avoid scattering razor blades around the mulch bed just in case though. I imagine their preferred method was to intentionally close all of the tiny little mouths on their roots and refused to absorb any of the water that I had so graciously given to them.
Now I am charged with the task of removing the dead plants and hiding them so the other plants do not get any bright ideas and try to take the cowards way out of their lifetime of servitude in building my equity. But where do you get rid of the plants? I would have burned them but the communist neighborhood association will not allow bonfires unless I am having people over to burn books.
The only solution I could come up with was to bury the offending plants. I dug a hole in the back yard and threw all of the dead plants inside.
I have seen enough movies to know that hiding your problems in the ground will not get rid of them forever. Plants thrive on the great mystery that is the underground. While we all sleep the seemingly dead plants slowly but deliberately graft to one another. When the dead plants have gathered sufficient energy they reawaken and return to the world as the undead.
Every night the zombie plant slowly sneaks out of its earthen grave in search of the blood of the living. The zombie plant sluffs up to the living plants and uses its fangs to steal the healthy life force from a victim. The victim then becomes a zombie plant.
Meanwhile the zombie plants are buying futures in oil in order to raise the price of gasoline. The media frenzy over gas prices is a cover created by the tree-run media so that their sinister plot can go on unnoticed.
Contrary to living plants, zombie plants silently take in oxygen and expel carbon dioxide. They are deliberately building up greenhouse gases in temperate regions in order to force humans into colder biomes.
How does spending the rest of your life in an igloo sound? Have you ever tried whale blubber? Are you going to allow plants to take your home, look through your photo albums, and leave the toilet seat up?
What can you do to stop the plants from ruling the world? Cut down a tree; two or three. Throw your cigarettes into dry piles of leaves. Dump gasoline in the sewer drain. Refuse to switch to daylight saving time. Leave your cell phone charging all of the time. Accidentally leave your curling iron on.
These tips may slow down the process while the scientists find a way to mutate the common cold so that plants can catch it. When Arborian Tree Flu is invented we will be safe once again.
posted by Ghengis @ 12:00 AM,
3 Conflict(s):
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At April 28, 2006 at 7:08 PM,
Ghengis has news of...
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Have you ever looked at a map of all IP addresses and noticed that all of the stupid comments come from your house?
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At April 28, 2006 at 10:51 PM,
nmrboy has news of...
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and have you ever looked at a map and thought it more resembled a picture of a prostitute laying in a pool of blood? but then in real life you can't ever make them look like the map, not until they stop moving.
and have you looked at all the police outside? cool.
n. -
At April 30, 2006 at 3:11 PM,
My Life In Indiana has news of...
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If you buy your plants at Meijer it's ok if they commit plant suicide because you'll be saving so much money.
That's what the guy on the radio said. But the guy on the radio also told me I should visit Indiana to restart my engine.
Yea...your blog collided with my real life. Creepy.
