Kirby vs the Mongolians
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I had blue crap all over my hands from trying to fix the toilet. There was a light knock on the door. Usually friends knock so I answered it. A young man hands me a bottle of soap said that he is looking for honest people in the neighborhood to give some opinions about cleaning products. Being dirty and already pissed off about plumbing, why not.
"Are you an honest person?" he continued from introduction. I could see in my head a man at the front of a seminar shouting, "Open with a question they can't say no to!"
"No, I'm a fucking compulsive liar." I answered monotonely. I became conscious of how tired and drained I was.
"Heh, that's a good one. Well do you at least like to give your opinions about things?"
How could I say no? "Oh yeah I tell complete strangers my opinions all the time." I said flatly.
He ran back to the truck and returned hauling in two boxes making a show of how the heat and carrying boxes was making him tired. "Oh man thanks for turning the air on for me! Ha ha ha!"
I was in no mood. By that I mean I could not ascribe a mood to how I was feeling. There was nothing. I was tired and I figured a show might be nice. It was at this point that I decided it was my job to make this guy feel as uncomfortable as possible.
I was wearing my collared work shirt from work, but I had put a pair of knit shorts on. These shorts are old and the material on the ass end is worn off. There isn't a hole, but it it's a two layer material. It's hard to describe, but they are prefect shorts to wear when fixing the toilet but are probably very uncomfortable for company. I didn't care.
He started the sales pitch opening with a few jokes. My favorite was the one when he accidentally got his tie caught on one of the boxes while he was setting up. "I swear these things were invented by the same guy who invented the noose! Hah!" I said nothing.
While he was getting set up I went to the fridge and grabbed a beer. I sat down and turned on Sportscenter while he continued the pitch. I stared at the tv like nothing else was going on in the world. He was talking about his vacuum cleaner.Finally it came to the question asking portion of the sale. He had sucked up a lot of crap off of the couches and the recliner and had set approximately 5 bags flatly on the floor so I could see how much crap he had removed from my furniture.
"Ok. Now. What would you say if I asked you to eat one of these bags?" he asked.
I snapped to attention as if I had be entirely unaware of his presence. "Oh yeah. I guess I'd give it a shot." I shrugged.
"Uh. Oh. Heh. Um. Well... no one's ever said that before... but that's actually good. Because doctors actually say that it is better to eat this than to breath it in... blah blah lung facts and etc..."
"Ok." I said.
He went back into sales mode showing me how it can clean ceilings and tvs and speakers and etc. Then he wanted to show me how it can work on carpet. We sprinkled some powder into the carpet. He grabbed the cheap vacuum that I own and said that he would show me how poor it is. "Ok I'll suck this up with your old Bissell and you tell me when you think I have got up all of the powder."
I turned back to the tv and let him vacuum over the spot over and over. He was on about 50 strokes when I saw him look up at me. "I don't think it's all up yet. Keep going." I said, monotonely but encouraging. He was doing such a good job cleaning my house.
Over and over and over he ran the vacuum over the spot where the powder was ground in. A battle of wills was being played but I knew I had already won. I was not going to tell him to stop. He kept going. For at least 3 minutes he worked and I could tell he was getting tired. Soon he would resign and stop without my say. But he kept going. Tell him to stop I kept saying to myself, but I had to stay strong!
Finally the kid stopped. "Whew!" Beads of sweat had formed on his forehead. "One hundred and 50 passes! I bet you think I got all of it!"
"I doubt it."
"Now let me show you how your vacuum didn't get all of it!"
He continued with more demonstrations. Finally it was time to use the shampooer. The moment I was waiting for. "Ok... now do you have any stains or spots on your carpet?"
"Yeah there's some blood over here." I said pointing to a small brown spot
"Whoa, did you say blood? Should I even ask what happened?" he asked.
"No you shouldn't."
"Oh man! Come on! I have to ask!"
"All right. There was a man here selling knives."
He got kind of nervous at that. "Oh really...?"
"Well he wanted me to feel how sharp they were so I cut a nice gash into the top of my head." I pulled my hair aside and showed him the scar from my truck accident. "That guy ran out of here afterwards. He left the knives if you want to try to sell those too."
There was a pause. I was done talking. "Ok!" he said nervously. "Well I just have this one last demonstration and I'll get out of your hair!" I didn't know if that was supposed to be a pun or not.
Finally his boss came by and they began the high pressures part of the sale. The asked questions that a sane man could not say no to, but an insane man could pretty easily. Still they persisted by repeatedly lowering the price on their machine. They insisted that I was getting a very very special price - lower than anyone has ever been offered. I could not say no enough. I even offered $50.
I said, "Listen. I am sorry I can not afford your fancy vacuum cleaner today but... I am so glad you guys are in my home," I paused folding my hands and steepling my fingers in front of my face, "because I'd really like to talk to you guys about Jesus." I said, pointing.
They could not leave any faster.
posted by Ghengis @ 9:54 PM,
