The Mongolians

Happy Christmas

2007-12-11T17:38:00.000-05:00

At some point I am going to make a new site to post things, but this time I plan to tell real people that I have seen in real life before about it so they can keep up with all of the insanity that gathers in the space behind my eyes. I'm having trouble making up a name so any suggestions would be worth the gold.

Until then you should have a good Christmas.

To: You
From: Some guy on the internet

Milestones

2007-10-30T22:38:00.000-04:00

It was over a year ago when we discovered doggy steps and a new milestone in human invention was marked. I was really gunning for the inventor of doggy steps to be this year's Nobel Peace Prize winner. There's always next year I suppose...

I can run really fast

2007-10-04T23:38:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of ideas floating around in my head for things to write about but they refuse to land.

The 4-year-old demon child that lives next door is exactly like the Retarded Policeman - all the way from his looks to the way he asks questions. I haven't been home much lately but if I was I'm sure I would have to turn down his pleadings to do cocaine with him.

Please Read - No Root Canal Required

2007-08-27T22:57:00.001-04:00

The summer has been good to me. Even though in the working man's world there is not a lot of time to write about irrelevant things on the internet because at the real work place they don't give me 3 to 4 months of vacation time to find a summer job to use for drinking money; the summer is still warmer than the winter and it is easier to be outside without a lot of clothes on.

The hummingbirds are enjoying the weather too because I put some red juice inside of a fake plastic flower and hung it on my window for a nice place to eat. I have never fed a hummingbird before but apparently, in nature, they are used to having their red juice boiled by the flowers. Since I am a working man I do not have time to boil my own food and the red juice so I bought the special kind of feed that subverts mother nature's flower boiling techniques.

Today I had to refill the feed since the hungry birds ate it all. I went to the special hummingbird store and told them that I wanted some more of the special no boiling red juice for the birds. They laughed at me. Apparently there is nothing special about not having to boil your bird food.

I drove home feeling like a fool. I saw birds flitting past, mocking me in my drive of shame. One of them pooped on my window. It was a bird's way of laughing I am sure.

I wonder how many other products use this technique to trick you into buying their product. I went to Meijer because I need a new garden hose. Each hose guaranteed to bring water from one place to another. One of those hoses made all of the claims that the others did but it also said, "NO ANIMAL SACRIFICES NEEDED". I assumed that since none of the other hoses made that claim that I would have to sacrifice an animal to use those so I bought the sacrifice free hose and have never been happier.

Have a good rest of your summer for the next 20-some days.

Indiana

2007-08-04T11:58:00.001-04:00

I don't git it

I don't go to the BMV often enough. It is one of the few chances the government has to bring people of all shapes and flavors together in a utopia of lines and waiting. The only other place you can this special mix of people is at the Halloween store and state fairs.

Like at Burger King, you can have it your way at the BMV if you yell loud enough, say the same thing over and over without going back home to get the correct documents, and convince the people on the other side of the desk that you are the only person in the world.

Some of the things I got to hear:

"Well the computer doesn't show that your license is suspended... If you want you can voluntarily suspend your driving privileges."

"Sir a copy of your birth certificate is not valid."
"But you took it! They have it here! She took it!"
"Sir we don't keep birth certificates here."
"That's what I'm saying! They have it here! She took it last time!"

"You don't have ANY insurance what-so-ever, you didn't pay taxes last year, you do not have a job, you are pregnant, you do not have any form of identification, and we are supposed to give you the privilege to drive?"
"Ain't my problem. My husband does all that. Here is my gas bill."

"You can try the written test again tomorrow."

It was a good feeling to remove my eye restriction from my license. This is not so apparent in the subsequent mug shot they took.

The Pack is only as Strong as its Weakest Member

2007-07-27T16:58:00.001-04:00

If Vick really was a 'looser' he probably won't be in all of this trouble.

I heard someone on the radio with the idea the beginnings of this idea - All celebrities should all be issued a list of regular non-celebrity people and their phone numbers who they can call if they find themselves in a moral dilemma.

Examples:

Hello? Jacob Smith? Hi! It's Lindz. This is a two part question. I have had three 8-balls and 14 vodka martinis tonight. I drove my car here. First question is how fast do you think I can drive my car and get home but not actually kill the kids that I hit but maybe put them in the hospital? Second question. Do you have any coke?

Hello Tiffany Brown! It's Jacko! Hey I am spending time with my favorite neighbor children. Do you have any extra Jesus Juice laying around?

Hey Dan. I hear you have all but one letter in each word on the Subway Scrabble game. Haha. I bet you just needed Boardwalk to win the $1 Million in McDonalds Monopoly! Later looser (sic)!

Stop Wining

2007-07-12T21:09:00.000-04:00

I woke up late for work the other day. I keep my boots in the truck so when I walk to the garage I am in my socks still. On my way out I stepped in something wet. There was a narrow, straight line of water on the floor going between the two counter tops. I looked at the counter and it was wet too, with a straight line of water inline with the water below on the floor.

I checked the ceiling but there was no cracks or wet spots up there. It was also impossible for the ceiling to leak because that would require some sort of water such as rain. Remember when it used to rain? I can't wait to tell my grandkids all about rain.

The cabinet was also wet. Actually the cabinets were wet on both sides inline with the counter top and the floor line of water. I smelled the counter top. It hardly had a smell but it was bubbly and had a hint of yeast to it. So some food thing exploded? I didn't have any food things that had the energy to explode let alone the intelligence to go in a straight line.

If I had ever watched CIS I probably would have got it right away. The spray pattern, the smell, the cork sitting on the counter for no apparent reason... It took a few minutes but I finally realized that Mr. Wine did it with the Bottle in the Kitchen.

This can happen to anybody.

It's said that wine improves as it ages. It turns out this is only true if it stays in the bottle. Adolescent wine often takes the opportunity to revolt. Sometimes it succeeds. This wine was in its "terrible twos". It wants to be out of the bottle partying with everybody and cannot wait until it has a firm hold on reality. It needs to get its tongue pierced, drink a lot of upside down margaritas, and wake up next to someone whose name it cannot recall while gathering massive debt on college loans but never actually graduating. I was in no mood for partying at 8:00 AM.

The wine that stays in the bottle is more responsible. It waits around for the party. Responsible wine has a steady job of giving me a headache and making me fall asleep while everyone else is still awake and they think about what to draw on my face.

I had received the explosive wine as a gift so I wasn't upset about it. Plus it was WHITE wine which is only for girls and the kids that hang out at the Neverland Ranch. I had to mop the floor 3 times before the sticky started to go away. The 3 bottles of red wine I currently have were chortling at me during my cleaning task.

Screw you, wine. I'm sticking to beer.

Club Safely

2007-07-10T19:46:00.000-04:00

We went to the local "club" this weekend. I haven't been there for years. It's the place to go when whether you're looking for 21-year-old college hoochies or 40-year-old drunk white trash guys. Take your pick. Oh and drug dealers too. I think I got a contact buzz off of a guy's shirt who was walking in front of me.

This is the first time I have been patted down to get into a bar in my big little city. They would not let me take my multi-tool attached to my keys into the bar. They must have run into some trouble with people coming in and fixing stuff. I promised not to take out the pliers and loosen any bolts but they had a legitimate fear that I could take out my 1.5" knife blade and threaten to temporarily cause slight discomfort for the guy who was smoking pot out in the middle of dance floor. There was also the fear that I might have met a girl with a hang nail and we could have bonded over the fact that I had the means to file it down smoothly.

I learned to Wake Surf this weekend. I never knew you could follow a boat without holding onto a rope. I also never knew that you could go faster than the boat you're following, lose your balance, and fall into the boat that you're following.

My Dad Totally Owns this Dealership

2007-06-27T19:06:00.000-04:00

I went to say hi to the girls we usually talk to at my neighborhood bar. They already had a frat guy looking gentleman suitor talking to them so I had to wait my turn.

"Oh my God. You have THAT cell phone service?" he said incredulously glaring with his Lance Bass crazy eyes. He looked at his friend and bumped him with the back of his hand, "She has THAT cell phone service!" His friend laughed on cue. "Baby you gotta dump that shit. I'll hook you up. I got my own cell phone store."

The girl took the bait, "Which store?"

"Man, I got my own store. The one in the mall. That's why I have that Jag out front."

One of the other girls said, "Oh I have a friend that works for your company. He works at the one across town."

He opened up his crazy eyes again and laughed, "The one across town?? Hah!" He bumped his friend again. "She says he works at the store across town." His friend laughed again like a trained dog. "You mean the AUTHORIZED DEALER? The authorized dealer, HAHA! Baby you can't get a ride like the Jag I have out front working at the authorized dealer!"

"Oh I didn't know there was a difference. So that's your store at the mall?"

"Yeah! Why do you think I have that Jag out front?" he said proudly, pointing with two fingers and a thumb to the alleged Jaguar on the other side of the wall. "Come over. I work tomorrow. I'll hook you up. That's how I got that Jag out front by hookin' people up and they keep coming back!"

I was tired of this so I had to say something. Dufus hadn't noticed I was there so I acted like I just walked up. "Hey ladies, how's it going? I just saw them towing the asshole who parked in the handicapped spot out front."

The guy bumped me with the back of his hand like he did his friend, "Dude! Was it a Jag?"

"I don't know. It's dark out there but whoever it is wasted a lot of money on those wheels."

"Oh shit! Ladies I gotta bounce. See ya'll tomorrow at my store! It's the kiosk across from the Gymboree!"

When he finally left I said, "Did he have the Jag out front?"

You Eat Too Much

2007-06-23T15:11:00.000-04:00

Mongolia: The Batsuuri family of Ulaanbaatar

Food expenditure for one week: 41,985.85 togrogs or $40.02
Family recipe: Mutton dumplings

I have no connection to anything Mongolian (other than people accidentally clicking on this when they're searching for something else), but I do have a strange craving for some Mutton dumplings.

Nothing in this study is very shocking or ground breaking, but it is interesting. Something about the German family pisses me off though. What's with their smug looks and how many bottles and cartons of liquid do you really need? Luckily this expert Indiana resident has a blogger account and a critical knowledge of what you need and what you don't need.

Poker Conversation Template

2007-06-16T02:40:00.000-04:00

I used to love to play poker. Now I hate it. Not only has televised poker made it one of the worst things in the world, it has turned some of my friends into poker robots... and I ain't no friend to no robot. (Except the roomba, which died after only 5 months of service. It was under warranty though, so they are sending me a new one. Is robot warranty the same as robot reincarnation?) My friends always like to tell me about "this one hand". There is not a phrase in the English language that raises the hair on my neck more than "this one hand." Every poker story follows the same inane template that makes me want to shoot myself in the face:

Hey you won't believe this! I was playing poker last night!

Oh, great.

Yeah. There was this one hand...........

I got . It goes around the table .

Then the flop came .

So now I have .

So then some more .

Then the turn came !

Now it's and

I have .

The best this guy could have is .

But then !!!

So finally the RIVER comes. .

Now I have !

.

We flip them over.

He has !

I have !

The result of this made me:
A) Happy
B) Sad

Oh.

"Fergie and Taco Bell" or "Not Proud to be Right"

2007-06-05T23:14:00.000-04:00

I bet everybody cringed in vicarious embarrassment when I posted the subliminal Weird-Al-ified lyrics to Fergie's Taco Bell song. At least I cringed with little bit of direct embarrassment.

I don't know how long Fergie has really been obsessed with Taco Bell because I don't read Us Weekly or spend too much time searching for pictures of famous people eating breakfast or walking from one place to another, but I knew I wasn't alone in being mind controlled into eating Taco Bell while sober. Apparently her mind control powers go all the way to the top of Yum! brands.

Fergie, if you're reading this, you have my permission to sing this song at Taco Bell or in your imminent commercial spot. I wrote half of it in my head during work and the other half when I was a little drunk so I'm sure you can relate to 50% of it.

After this blows over we can go back to pretending neither of us exist.

How About This Heat?

2007-06-02T14:32:00.000-04:00

Every day I look at the temperature and say to myself, "Hey Dan I bet you think the temperature is around 78 degrees." I nod in agreement but when I look at the temperature it tells me it's a brain melting 93. But I am physiologically none the wiser. I can see why old people move to Florida.

I'm just glad to be able to go outside again. At the end of May I finally got my bee killing machine working to make them stop spreading pollen which turned my nose and eyes into a leaky faucet this year. It causes bees to get Colony Collapse Disorder and makes them leave the hive where they go find a free computer where they play World of Warcraft until they die.

On Memorial day I enjoyed the day by trying to sweat off the previous two day's alcohol in a chair in the sun. I actually fell asleep outside, which is unusual for me to do, especially with all of the lawn mowers running and kids screaming. There's nothing like sleeping in the sun. It's that shallow sleep that's spread over your whole body while you're sunk down into the chair that gives the impression of deep sleep but slightest poke or sudden loud noise would bring you back to attention. I think.

It was the peaceful of peaceful until the Demon Child and his Brood Mother came outside to play Throw the Ball Against the Fence as Hard as You Can. Oh that brought me back... Don't you remember the times where you would go outside with your brother and sister and play Throw the Ball Against the Fence as Hard as You Can. Mom would be at your side screaming, "Throw the Ball Against the Fence as Hard as You Can! Come on pretend it's the Evil Shredder! Pretend it's Skeletor! Pretend it's your daddy! Where is daddy?! Make daddy come back! MAKE THE FENCE PAY!!"

Oh yeah I finished this on mother's day to give my mom something to watch while my dad and I worked. I planted a blueberry shrub in the corner. They are supposed to get full light so I put it where the sun don't hardly shine. I am hoping that will make it blossom the little tiny shriveled blueberries you find in instant oatmeal and breakfast cereals.

FREE SONG LYRICS Fergie Glamorous Lyrics FREE SONG LYRICS

2007-05-23T17:52:00.000-04:00

Every Fergie song always makes me think of food. I swore the lyrics to My Humps was:

"She's got me spin-dip
Oh, spinach avacodos on me
and spinach chips on me"

I also thought that a Fergalicous would probably make a pretty damn good steak sandwich.

But the song that every girl has on their myspace page has subconsciously forced me to drive to Taco Bell on more than one occasion. I broke the subliminal code of the song. Don't let your free will be taken over by the music or your stomach may hate you forever.

"TacoBell" by Fergie
(feat. Ludacris)

If you all want some tacos bring your drunk ass down
You say: If you all want some tacos bring your drunk ass down
T-A-C-O-B-E-L-E-L, yeah T-A-C-O-B-E-L-E-L
T-A-C-O-B-E-L-E-L, yeah T-A-C-O-B-E-L-E-L

[B-Section:]
We trashed on Wednesday
Up in the bar
Poppin' tequila
And maybe Highlife
Now we hungry
And I want my change
At the TacoBell, oh the crunchy crunchy

[chorus:]
The Tacobell,
The TacoBell, TacoBell (the TacoBell life)
By the TacoBell, oh the crunchy crunchy

[Verse:]
Order guac and sour cream
Everything with extra cheese
Chalupas and lemonade
Stopping for Bellgrandes
I be at the drink machine
Munchin on my Crunchwrap supreme
They don't clean, floors of slime
Make it lean, how bout this line?
I still work at Taco Bell
Lobby, what's that smell?
Grilled Stuft, make me squeal
No matter how many burritos they sell
After the show or at the Track meet
I like to cool out with a Baja Blast
Sippin', reminiscing on days when I had a Meximelt
And now I'm in...

[B-section then chorus]

[Ludacris:]
I'm talking Cinnamon twi-i-ists, Apple Empana-adas
You deserve nothing but all the spicy thi-i-ings
Now this whole world has no clue what a pizza is
I've got enough money on this card for the value stuff
Plus I gotta keep enough lettuce
To support your taco fetish
Lifestyles so hot and zesty
Robin Leach will get gorditas
Half a buck for the soft shell
Taking trips from here to Dong
So If you all want some tacos bring your drunk ass down
T-A-C-O-B-E-L-E-L, yeah T-A-C-O-B-E-L-E-L

[B-section + chorus x2]

[Verse:]
I got drive thru duty here
I've got people in my ear
Wanting all these crazy things
That we don't even sell (cheeseburger)
I've got no money in the bank
And I'd really like my break
For all the beer I'd like to drank
Thank you come again
Cause I remember yesterday
When I dreamt about the days
When I'd work at Micky-D, that be really dope
Damn, It's been a long road
And the double decker's cold
My daddy wants nachos, he made his daughter go. [x3]

Best...
Wedding...
Ever...

Dear Neighbor

2007-05-12T21:06:00.000-04:00

ear Trailer Park,

Thank you for making me aware of things such as cooked spaghetti being left out in the grass and hillbilly speed bumps.

I guess.

Trailer Park, thank you for sending your white trash friends to live in the house behind me.

I was thinking of building a fence but this will work too.

Trailer park! Your friends are turning my new fence into hay!

That's right. You didn't think you were going to be blogged about when you woke up at the crack of 2:30 this afternoon.

While the white trash neighbors were destroying, I was creating.

Braggin' on myself like Dr. Phil said to do.

Bonus: The bunnies are living and growing up in my plants. They are learning English but do not know that welcome mats are not always all inclusive.

Why do pests have to be so cute?

Trading Cards for Demon Children

2007-05-08T21:48:00.000-04:00

Most of the neighborhood kids are nice and considerate and make it pleasant enough to live around them. However, they are slowly being indoctrinated by the demon child next door. I like being outside, but for some reason I am fascinating to the demon child and he needs to inquire about everything I am doing. The peacefulness of the outdoors has been ruined by, not the kid, but his lazy parents who can't entertain him or teach him simple things like to not leave his scooter in the middle of my grass while I am mowing and then watch me mow from the grass in front of me that I am about to chop down. And I bet I'd get in trouble if ran him over!

His parents have also failed to show him the episode of Sesame Street where Oscar gets increasingly annoyed with Elmo when he comes into his garage without asking and asks what every single tool hanging from the wall does.

Last week the demon child convinced one of the other neighbor kids to help him kill a bunny. His strict parents kept him grounded inside for half of a day before re-releasing him into the wild. It was a nice half day.

I only have so many excuses I can use to convince the demon child to do something else and temporarily return peacefulness to the neighborhood. Since kids love to collect worthless junk, I made a series of trading cards to start passing out to the pester demons (not the nice ones). Do not try to collect them all.

Manor Farm

2007-05-03T00:16:00.000-04:00

I just...

don't...

get it.

Kill A Watt, Eat for a Lifetime

2007-04-26T18:38:00.000-04:00

I don't want to be a hippie. I don't want to be "green". I do not, under any circumstances, want Al Gore to give me a pat on the back. I would be wary of any politician touching parts of my body because I am sure it leaves a slime that never goes away. I really hope my mom never let the mayor or county commissioner kiss me when I was a baby because that's disgusting. If you see me doing anything environmentally friendly, I am only doing my best to try to keep that scary Mayan snake thing from consuming the world just as he consumes his tail.

In order to beat back the snake, I have issued a personal Jihad on myself to cut down on mindless wastefulness. I could list all of the environmental things I do as a self-congratulatory pat on the back, but to do so would be worse of a sin than saying aloud what you wished for over your birthday cake.

Anyway, I'm not an electrical engineer, but I do play one at work. Sometimes working on electricity messes with your head and makes you think about irrational things... like how Taco Bell flowing down your stomach is exactly like electron current flow. The experience at your mouth is positive but the only way to have any EMF is if for your stomach to become negative, so very negative.

Awhile back I remember a lunatic environmentalist lady telling me that I should unplug my cell phone charger when I'm not using it because it did something awful in the Rain Forests to make female gorillas go in heat, but not put out. This would cause the male gorillas to tear down acres of rain forests in fits of frustrated anger. I wanted to find out for myself if this was true. I bought a Kill-A-Watt meter to check how much gorilla anger not unplugging your cell phone charger really causes.

So here is the raw data to glaze over so you can decide for yourself. The Kill-A-Watt meter will tell you how much power in used in KWH. From the amount of time you leave the tester plugged in, you can calculate all kinds of nerdy numbers. From my electric bill I figured out that $/KWH = $0.082 (that's 13 blades of grass, Mongolian).

Device	time/day	kw	kw/day	kw/yr	$/day	$/yr
13" TV	2	0.036	0.073	26.545	$0.006	$2.177
13W compact florescent* (60W equivalent)	24*	0.010	0.240	87.600	$0.020	$7.183
60W Lamp*	24*	0.060	1.440	525.600	$0.118	$43.099
23W compact florescent (100W equivalent)	1	.023	.023	.8233	$0.002	$0.675
LED Lamp post (8 LEDs)	12	0.000	0.004	1.460	$0.000	$0.120
Cell Charger Standby	24	0.000	0.000	0.000	$0.000	$0.000
Desktop computer always on	24	0.177	4.257	1553.747	$0.349	$127.407
Desktop with hibernate	24	0.105	2.508	915.561	$0.206	$75.076
Freezer / Refrigerator	24	0.084	2.016	735.840	$0.165	$60.339
Ionic Breeze	24	0.007	0.174	63.553	$0.014	$5.211
LED night light (5 LEDs)	12	0.000	0.000	0.000	$0.000	$0.000
Uranium Cyclotron	24	4000	96000	35M	$7872	$2.8M
GE Microwave 's Clock	24	0.005	0.120	43.800	$0.010	$3.592
Roomba (Charged)	24	0.005	0.120	43.800	$0.010	$3.592
Roomba (Charging)	1	0.009	0.009	3.266	$0.001	$0.268
Shreader on Standby	24	0.001	0.021	7.831	$0.002	$0.642
Washer (2 loads/week)	.023	.293	.007	2.463	$.001	$.202

* KWH and Cost based on leaving the light on all the time like a filthy animal

--Pansonic 37" Plasma , Toshiba HDMI dvd player, Denon reciever, Nintendo Wii, Comcast HD cable box--

Device	time/day	kw	kw/day	kw/yr	$/day	$/yr
TV + DVD + Receiver	2	0.269	0.537	196.119	$0.044	$16.082
TV + Receiver + Cable	3	0.300	0.900	328.500	$0.074	$26.937
TV + Wii	2	0.288	0.575	209.875	$0.047	$17.210
TV OFF + Cable + Music	2	0.080	0.160	58.400	$0.013	$4.789
Entire system standby	24	.060	1.44	525.6	$0.118	$43.099

Lessons Learned

I used to leave the computer on all the time unless I was going on vacation. Now I let it hibernate after a few hours. Hibernation should save about $50/year.
People will still pay over $100 for an Ionic Breeze, and all it does is effectively shred $5 a year.
The Comcast cable box on idle is like leaving a 60W light bulb on all the time. I'm getting rid of Comcast and throwing the box into the river.
Making tables with blogger is really hard.
A nice man from Oman has offered to buy the Uranium Cyclotron. Now I'll finally have some beer money.
LEDs are expensive but hundreds of times more efficient than compact fluorescents. Most indicator lights on your electronics are LEDs. The power use of many standby items is next to zero. Leaving something on standby does not necessarily mean that you'll bring down the entire power grid.
And finally - CELL PHONE CHARGERS DO NOT CAUSE MONKEYS TO GO IN HEAT. My charger said it used ZERO power, but I am sure some trickled through the transformers. However, unless your charger has a 100W spotlight indicator bulb when it's idle, chances are polar bears will have just as much hunting ground in the summer whether you unplug it or not. Unplugging your charger is the equivalent of letting Al Gore goose you while you're bent over and will never solve any real problems.

Have a nice belated Earth Day week (observed).

Mommy, what does nappy mean?

2007-04-13T19:00:00.000-04:00

Hey I don't know if you guys have heard or not but the radio and TV have been telling me about this guy name Eyemist. They have been going crazy talking about this guy. There are so many differing opinions on this guy, you could probably fill an entire month of nonstop news coverage and never hear the same thing twice.

I bet this guy could use all of this publicity to launch into a career in radio... maybe even be on TV! He could probably even talk about himself just like everybody else.

He looks like he is 157 years old. I guess the old adage is true; good things come to those who wait.

In other news there is a nice lady named Anna Nicole who had a baby. The baby is either a boy or a girl and its weight was measured in pounds and ounces. I am sure she and her husband are so thrilled to have been blessed with a human life. Lets hear it for the new family!

That is all of the news that happened in the last two weeks. Please continue to have a peaceful and stress-free life.

Magical Prophecies

2007-04-07T12:18:00.000-04:00

The Illusionist was a pretty good movie. It made me wonder how long those old time magic shows would go on. Would people get all dressed up in their Sunday dresses and best suits and hats to pack into a dimly lit theater to watch a performer on stage show them a neat trick? In the infancy of modern magic tricks, would people sit there and be satisfied with a simple 15 minute show where a man tricked them into believing that two solid rings could be linked together and then pulled back apart just as easily?

The movie made me wonder if the attention spans of today's society could be captured by a live performer showing them one trick in a short amount of time. Would it delight them so much to tell their friends and create a local, national, or even worldwide buzz? My first thought was that with so many different people with so many different interests, such a performer could not exist these days. When I popped out the Illusionist DVD, my answer was on there playing for free on Showtime.

I was looking forward to seeing An Inconvenient Truth because I always like to see the science behind a theory so I can understand exactly how the use of 30% of the earth's surface can have such a profound effect on the upper stratosphere 10-50km away. That kind of stuff interests the hell out of me, but sadly this movie had nothing to do with that. The title should have been more specific - An Inconvenient Truth - An hour and a half introspective of how ice melts when it gets warm. I learned that from Mr. Wizard when I was 7. You can learn a lot from an old man that invites children over to his house to film them one at a time.

The plot of this movie was stolen by Underpants Gnomes

I'm not really a skeptic of this climate change stuff, but I don't think the whole truth is being told. There are plenty of other theories out there as to why climate is changing other than people. Sunspot cycles are hardly ever mentioned in these discussions. To take it a step further, the Mayan Calender runs out in 2012 during a sunspot festival and the earth is supposed to turn sideways and fly through-out the galaxy bouncing off of planets and stars in a game of heavenly billiards until we are sunk in a black hole for eternity.

That snake thing scares me most of all

Perhaps the best theory is that of the Titanic. Ol' Unsinkable angered the ice when it intentionally engaged ramming speed and crashed its pointed bow into that poor defenseless little iceberg that was minding its own business on that crisp April evening in 1912. This sent tremors through the iceberg community and they vowed to get revenge on the human blight. However since icebergs communications are slowed by the cold the message took a long time to reach the entire Arctic community. Coincidentally the 100th Anniversary of the Titanic's murderous rampage is 5 years and 7 days from the day I am writing this. April 14th, 2012. That is the date we all need to look out for. That is the date that the icebergs will launch the attack.

With permission I plan on making a sequel to Gore's film. An Inconvenient Truth II - April Snow brings May Controversy. From my back porch, we will be lying on our bellies with our heads cupped in our hands while kicking our feet in the air, with a camera trained on the snow, waiting for the spring sun to bring its melt on. Can you say Academy Award?

Not that this means anything...

I spelled Curmudgeons right on my first try

2007-03-25T23:10:00.000-04:00

Lately I have found myself being vocal to companies that displease me. I have been complaining about irritating radio commercials and poor product craftsmanship. Luckily most websites are already set up for complaints with a convenient little box and a send button with a confirmation that your words will be ignored in the order that they were received.

In the past I have left these powers of complaint to frustrated curmudgeons that live in their mom's basements, but every once and awhile a company needs to know that its product was mistaken for a dead animal smell.

Have you been melting plastic or is that Old Spice Clear Gel under your arms?

Roomba Review

2007-03-13T23:05:00.000-04:00

For a long time I really missed my dog. She is still alive but she is not at my house. When I drop pieces of food or things that look like food on the floor I can not yell for the little furry vacuum to come and fix it. It's a joke to think that I am going to actually bend over and pick these things up or plug the real vacuum cleaner until at least two weeks from any given moment.

I was at a loss and thrown into a carpet cleaning depression for a long time. That was until one day, WOOT! appeared over the horizon with the discounted anti-depressant cure that I needed - a robot dog.

It took a while for the Roomba and I to get along. The normal everyday setup of my house was not conducive to a the robot's daily activities. He made a list of demands and refused to work until they were met. I paid the ransom by taping down some speaker wires, moving a table a robot's width away from the wall, making sure blankets were not on the ground, and blocking off areas that the robot found to be inescapable robot-purgatories where only robot-prayers can relieve you of cleaning a 3'x4' square over and over until you die of battery exhaustion.

With all this work I had to do to make my robot happy, it did not seem like the robot was the time saving device that it was touted to be. I felt like the robot had actually bought me and I was part of some kind of psychological experiment to see how much work humans will do for a robot. That's when I found the camera!

Now, the folks at iRobot will never know that I was watching PTI this afternoon.

Most of the issues were solved, but the robot still thinks that the air vents in the floor are giant caverns where robots go to die. When he drives near these seemingly bottomless pits he has a panic attack. The robot screams in a way that only a robot can, and immediately skitters backwards. In the moment of panic, the robot loses all self-awareness and finds himself stuck half way up the wall. It then sits there crying at regular intervals until I come home from work to free him.

That's when we had the talk. I agreed to free the robot if he ever got stuck again in exchange for non-stop cleaning action while I am away.

The robot now understands his subservient role to man. Since I removed the camera he now has no one to run to since that was his connection with iRobot psychological network headquarters. Sometimes when the robot acts up I will stand over him and eat crackers with my mouth open to remind him what he is there for. If he doesn't clean them up posthaste, I pick him up by the handle and dangle him threateningly over one of the floor vents.

I don't physically beat him because it is a fragile piece of equipment. However, one time I caught him flirting with the tall and slender Ionic Breeze. I knew what had happened. The ionizer was laying on its side fizzing heavily and the carpet all over was torn up and matted. The Roomba was hiding under my bed with a very drained battery. He knew he did wrong so I rubbed his nose in the carpet and said, "NO" really loud. I hid the Ionic Breeze in the closet and told the Roomba that I sold her to an online scrap vendor on eBay where she will spend the rest of her life filtering cigarette smoke and nerd sweat.

The Roomba is one of the greatest things I have ever put money on since I opened an illegal gambling account. No longer do I need to cup my hand and pour crumbs from the kitchen counter into it and carefully carry it over to the trash. Anything that can be swept to the ground with a sweep of the arm is taken care of as such knowing that it will disappear minutes after turning on the robot. I feel my carpet and flooring investment is in good hands with this little guy. This is the next best thing to having a woman clean your house.

The Roomba earns the top honor of 4 Shrugs

Fark TV

2007-03-07T16:34:00.000-05:00

I post as a public service, but mostly because last night Darth Vader came into my room and said he would melt my brain if I did not share Fark TV to anyone who may not have seen it yet.

They are all funny, but Presidents' day and Holy Fish Sandwich are my favorite.

LDS: The Mind Drug

2007-02-24T20:08:00.000-05:00

Two thousand and six was the year of the No French Fries diet. I made it 365 days without passing a deep fried potato through my lips. Now, after unceremoniously bringing fries back to the menu, it's fries here and potato wedges there and Pittsburgh Style salads all of the time.

Lent is always a great time to renew your new year's resolutions. A lot of Catholics will use these 40 days and nights to give up something in order to try to be a better person, but the effort is usually only given towards a trivial goal. Giving up smoking when you have never smoked or swearing off sex with prostitutes (except weekends, holidays, and whenever the urge strikes) is disingenuous and rude towards the pre-Easter season. I know a girl my age who is still giving up "candy and pop" like a 9-year-old.

But the point of all of this is not to pull the specks out of other people's eyes. It's about removing the plank from your own eye and swinging it wildly as a weapon of justice in Jesus' Holy Militia. That's why, this year I am not going to give up something, but instead I am going to make something of myself. For the next 40 days or so I am going to be a Mormon. I'm not sure if the Pope will be to thrilled at this idea, but the great thing about Lent is that you can make it what you want.

Forty days is not long enough to do all of the Mormon activities so I am going to have to pick and choose like a cafeteria Mormon. I do not plan on getting dressed up in my little outfit and go door to door to tell my neighbors about how Jesus chilled with the Indians back in the day. Swearing is too important to daily life to give it the ax and nixing the caffeine is laughable when I live less than a mile from Starbucks.

I suppose that only leaves one LDS tradition to uphold. No consumption of alcohol. For a month and a half these lips will not allow mind altering libations to pass forth. I do not believe this feat has been attempted since I turned 21*.

This is going to be more difficult than giving up fries. When I was not eating fries, I did not have friends calling me up asking if I wanted to go hang out at Burger King and have a box of fries or two ... or 5. People don't say, "You have to help me finish this keg of fries!" We never played "Fry Pong" in 2006. I don't hang out with any fryaholics either.

Guess I can't buy meat for awhile.

The Devil is trapped in the fridge canned and pressurized into carbonated, liquid form. Your choice of 12 or 16 ounces. I will see you in April.

Do not skunk until after that.

Colorado

2007-02-12T20:10:00.000-05:00

Coors Field is much smaller than expected, but environmentally safe

The sun causes sunburns

The wind causes windburns

The Nuggets cause overtime

Avalanche cause... they sucks

Food is great

Art is weird

Home could wait